When I think about my recent behavior, it reminds me of classic horror movies where the wholesome high school student wanders off into the deep, dark forest, searching for her missing boyfriend. Or the frightened woman, alone during a terrible thunder-storm, without electricity is yet somehow drawn to the dark hole of the eerie basement. As a spectator, you can’t help but say to yourself, ” Stupid bitch! Don’t do that!” Yet she does it, and so do I.
So far, obviously, I haven’t been stabbed to death, forced to swallow my own rosy tongue or anything. Despite my tenacious pessimism, I am oddly confident in my own instincts. Internet does not allow that much to judge others by really, seeing as how you can pretty much be whoever you please here, safely tucked into your cyber-nest. Yet I am trusting. Not necessarily in other people but in my own gut-feeling about them. Since I have joined my New Hobby Website, I have met three strangers. They were all pretty much what I had expected them to be, and more. I doubt that I would have been attracted to any one of them had I crossed their path on the bus or in the supermarket. Probably I would not have even looked at them at all. Then again, I don’t really look at men much. I never choose, I need to be chosen. Even when I am chosen, in real life, my would-be suitor’s advances need to be quite blatant or else I will never notice. I guess that this is why internet is appealing to me. When someone sends you a dick picture…you can be pretty sure of his intentions. This “swinger” website is sort of refreshing to me because at least everyone involved knows what everyone else there is looking for. I am getting too old to waste time on small talk, impotence, courting in general because I am not looking for a friend or even a lover, I am actively avoiding anything like that. I do not intend to be heartbroken or even disappointed by someone ever again. I have had enough of that. I guess I am still old-fashioned enough for lunch. Plus I love to eat.