The Irresistible Lure Of Danger

When I think about my recent behavior, it reminds me of classic horror movies where the wholesome high school student wanders off into the deep, dark forest, searching for her missing boyfriend. Or the frightened woman, alone during a terrible thunder-storm, without electricity is yet somehow drawn to the dark hole of the eerie basement. As a spectator, you can’t help but say to yourself, ” Stupid bitch! Don’t do that!” Yet she does it, and so do I.

So far, obviously, I haven’t been stabbed to death, forced to swallow my own rosy tongue or anything. Despite my tenacious pessimism, I am oddly confident in my own instincts. Internet does not allow that much to judge others by really, seeing as how you can pretty much be whoever you please here, safely tucked into your cyber-nest. Yet I am trusting. Not necessarily in other people but in my own gut-feeling about them. Since I have joined my New Hobby Website, I have met three strangers. They were all pretty much what I had expected them to be, and more. I doubt that I would have been attracted to any one of them had I crossed their path on the bus or in the supermarket. Probably I would not have even looked at them at all. Then again, I don’t really look at men much. I never choose, I need to be chosen. Even when I am chosen, in real life, my would-be suitor’s advances need to be quite blatant or else I will never notice. I guess that this is why internet is appealing to me. When someone sends you a dick picture…you can be pretty sure of his intentions. This “swinger” website is sort of refreshing to me because at least everyone involved knows what everyone else there is looking for. I am getting too old to waste time on small talk, impotence, courting in general because I am not looking for a friend or even a lover, I am actively avoiding anything like that. I do not intend to be heartbroken or even disappointed by someone ever again. I have had enough of that. I guess I am still old-fashioned enough for lunch. Plus I love to eat.

19 comments

  1. Sandee

    I gotta tell you, I’m a little envious of your writing — it’s so damn good! Don’t get me wrong, I hear what you’re saying, what you mean to convey — but structurally — I love it! I do also identify with a lot of what you’re saying and appreciate the depth of it.

  2. pivoine68

    Why thank you Sandée! I am flattered and you certainly have nothing to be envious of…you are SO talented. Hopefully this year we will both become famous, that way we can meet (while I’m not busy getting my needs fulfilled! LOL! I am quite needy!) and have lunch! 🙂
    Bises,
    Dawn

    • Sandee

      Thanks for saying that Dawn. Periodically, I like to look at some of the old stuff I’ve written, to see my progress, etc. I’m disappointed. I cringe when I see some of it. Oh well. It would be good to have some ‘validation’ from a publisher. Then I could get famous and dismiss all the bad writing I’ve ever done. I like your scenario of us both becoming famous and having cake! Unfortunately I can’t drink. I used to love wine too — we could have had such a good time — oh no wait a minute — with the way I drank — I dunno if that’s so true — hahaha! Have a good one Dawn! xoxo

      • pivoine68

        I downloaded my entire blog onto FastPencil because I really want to write a book. I am appalled by all the mistakes…it’s odd that we cannot see them at the time when we are writing them.

        I don’t mind that you don’t drink. I’m terrible at sharing, really. The only thing is, my husband has a schizophrenic cousin who takes handfuls of pills every hour or so…she doesn’t drink (thank God!) so at restaurants when they offer a free “Welcome Cocktail,” she always refuses it. So I kick her under the table. Please, just say, “Thank you, sir.” and our lunch will work out fine! You can have my cake. I prefer salty stuff and your free drink! 🙂

        Bisous,
        Dawn

  3. Dawn D

    I had typed a long comment… and I don’t know where it went :-/

    All I was really saying was : this piece brought up so many emotions, I need to retreat back to my cave and sort them out…

    • pivoine68

      That stuff always happens to me too. It is amazingly frustrating. I hope that you have sorted out any emotions I may have inadvertently scratched.(?) If it wasn’t me, someone else would have somehow dragged them to the surface. We are safe here. No one can see us! I think it’s a good place for emotional sorting. Better than a train station or an airport!

      Je t’embrasse,
      Dawn

      • Dawn D

        Yes, you are right. We are safe here and it’s probably a better place to sort out emotions than most.
        The sadness I was experiencing was related to my children. They were supposed to stay with me but wanted to sleep at their father’s. Those emotions had to come up. And I’m glad they did and I managed to put words on them.
        What was really eerie about last night reading your post it that it spoke only to my emotional self. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t quite make sense of the words. Have you ever had that feeling where an idea, an understanding is just outside your grasp? You know it’s there, but you cannot quite access it? I think yesterday, I was in such a state that my emotional self was most receptive and took over. That your words managed to reach me in this state, that’s an achievement I wish I could get to.
        So yes, all this to say, like Sandee : you’re very talented Dawn. Don’t ever doubt it. Even if you don’t become famous, know that your writing touches people’s lives. And thank you for that.

  4. Dawn D

    And I just lost another comment! *Sigh*
    Well, as I was saying, today, my rational part was able to reach through and I have to say : I agree, we have waisted enough time already. And it’s time we met people who are looking for the same things we are. If it means going onto a website, so be it.
    Though I have to say, the lure isn’t quite as strong for me; maybe because it’s still all so new for me, so that scariness hasn’t yet been overcome by need ; maybe it’s because my search is slightly different from yours : though I am not looking for a man to take my husband’s place right away, I still need to get some sort of connection.
    As for what happened last night when I read all this… I’ll just say the powerful magic of your writing bewitched me 😉
    Je t’embrasse

    • pivoine68

      Hi!
      I don’t know if I am really fueled by need. I think that I have just reached a point where I don’t care anymore. I don’t care what happens to me, I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me. It is huge for me because I think that for my whole life I have only cared about these things and I have been miserable for so long…it’s like a breath of fresh air after being suffocated for an extended period of time.

      Wow! That is awesome if my words bewitched you! Thanks! That is the nicest compliment. 🙂

      Je t’embrasse aussi,
      Dawn

  5. Fatal

    It sounds like you have a fire under your ass and a spring in your step. Though I do detect a note of melancholy. Danger is quite alluring (believe me I know) but I hope you keep staying safe–or safe enough while still having a hell of a time.

    Je t’aime, ma gloire du matin.

    xoxo

    • pivoine68

      Oh my sweet girl! I think that crossing the street is dangerous really….

      I am having experiences I could have never even imagined before. At worst, at least I’ll have tons of new subject matter to write about!

      Je t’aime aussi,
      Dawn

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