Although this chapter of my life feels like a stinking brown shit spiral, although what I am living through seems impossible to exit, I am learning so many truths about myself. Maybe it’s all worth it. Or not. I’m not sure. My thoughts turn like giant wheels that never advance, a tractor stuck in the mud. Every solution brings me back to part of the problem. It’s quite smothering. I can’t sleep, I am failing at abstaining from alcohol….these two factors alone hinder my job search, make me even weaker than I already feel. Without money I cannot leave my husband, with my husband I can’t keep myself from drinking. Nor hating myself. Etc fucking etc.

I have always been into research. I read. I was interested in psychology at a young age, sexuality as well. At twelve I knew that my mother was in a codependent, abusive relationship. I knew that nothing my step-father ever said to me was true. I knew that he was the weak link. I knew that he needed to put down others, to hurt others in order to validate himself. I knew that I was someone worthwhile….

I knew about how abused children recreate the same hell in their adult lives. I figured that since I was so smart, that kind of shit could never happen to me. The fear I felt then has never really left me. Along with a strange sensation that every problem known to man is somehow my fault. I guess these two huge character defects have led me to where I am today.


      • Jayne

        I don’t know what “intact” means except “not blown to bits”. I’m too stubborn for that and my “first husband” is not a fighter. We are a delicate balance of powers who just happened to want similar outcomes.
        I know the points when I knew why people became alcoholics and drug addicts. It was a ledge that I looked over and thought, “Oh…THIS is where that choice is made to avoid what I’m feeling.” I wished like hell that I could detach my mind from my body and fuck my way through the process but I just couldn’t. I feel too much and that would have been MORE to deal with. I’m not strong enough to withstand any more than I have or had. The bottom line to me was that all of those choices would have kept me in place, prolonging my exit! It took all my energy to try and focus on what I needed to do. I just want to be clear – to myself…clear of those things I know aren’t “me”. That happened to include my husband. I’m still not completely settled within myself and I have anxious moments. They have and do lessen or subside as I get “cleaner or clearer” but I don’t regret one step. I think you will do the same. I think you will have more fun along the way too. I’m not as daring as you. I’m kind of a chicken in everything but fighting evil. I know you’ll be ok. We are the kind that leave ourselves no other choice. I love you, J

      • pivoine68

        I love you! My mind is detached from my body but I still know that I love you. My New Stranger is texting other women in my pathetic presence….being daring / suicidal sucks sometimes.

        I always make Monday Resolutions. I have appointments, too. It’s always good to be forced into accountability. ❤

    • Jayne

      let me add something …I promise you that if you get past a certain point…past “enough”…there is a feeling of lean clarity because you will have gutted yourself enough to release what ails you. Perfect isn’t attainable but “cleaner” is. my .02

  1. huckleberry52

    Taken frm “The Denial of Death” by Earnest Becker (not really a book about death):The man with the clear head is the man who frees himself from those fantastic “ideas” [the characterological lie about reality] and looks life in the face, realizes that everything in it is problematic, and feels himself lost. And this is the simple truth—that to live is to feel oneself lost —he who accepts it has already begun to find himself, to be on firm ground. Instinctively, as do the shipwrecked, he will look round for something to which to cling, and that tragic, ruthless glance, absolutely sincere, because it is a question of his salvation, will cause him to bring order into the chaos of his life. These are the only genuine ideas; the ideas of the shipwrecked. All the rest is rhetoric, posturing, farce. He who does not really feel himself lost, is without remission; that is to say, he never finds himself, never comes up against his own reality.

  2. Dawn D

    I am sorry that I’m not really available for a few days. I’ll try to call tomorrow, text you first.
    I hope you are doing OK. But I’m sure there are solutions, financial and in regards to alcohol. I am certain of it. I am here to help you through it as much as I can. You WILL get there!
    Big scented bises (to remove the stench of the shit spiral 😉 )

    • pivoine68

      Thanks my friend. This weekend was a really bad choice but tomorrow I take the train home, which now seems almost preferable. For drinking….it’s ok, I just took a little break from my abstinence. I get totally overwhelmed sometimes. For the rest…I don’t know. I fear conspiration, I’m getting really paranoid. It’s like hell. Your compassion makes me teary-eyed. Merci. Mille fois merci.

      Je t’embrasse de tout mon cœur,

  3. Mrs Fever

    Generationally… It’s hard to see the cycle when you’re in it. No matter how much you “know” – or know better – intellectually. Because it’s not a matter of intelligence, but rather of emotional cognition.

    I don’t know the details of the spiral you’re in, but I do know this: nobody can spin you around like a top unless you give them the power to do so. Including yourself.

    Force your feet to a halt and then, rather than spin, dance.

    You can dance in a hurricane
    But only if you’re standing in the eye

    ~ Brandi Carlile (of course)


  4. Cara Thereon

    I feel like I’m so behind on things and for that I’m truly sorry. Maybe the bright spot is coming? It seems trite to say that, but it’s much easier seeing the positive in someone else’s life.

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