Fall

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Apparently, my good luck, as unexpected as snow in September or a teen pregnancy, has suddenly run dry. I have been thriving on the act of propelling my body into situations that basically scare the shit out of me, hoping that somehow, so fucking late in the game, I might be able to build something that at least looks like self-confidence.To other people.

I never fool myself, but I certainly try.

Frazzled and exhausted, completely destabilized, I am trying to dig out of the avalanche of shit that I am wading through. The “Sleeping With Strangers,” chapter of my existence seems to be coming to a grinding halt. As is often the case, changes like this always seem to come to me at the worst possible times. Autumn is such a vibrant, magnificent season. I would love to really enjoy it, yet as summer tapers off, I always feel an overwhelming sadness. Inevitably, things change with the seasons. There is no use trying to hang on to the last shreds of summer passion. It’s all over now, along with warm evening walks and balmy days at the beach.

So I am asking myself, where should I go from here? It is impossible now to go back to where I came from. I am flailing with the idea that nothing else really awaits me, that I can just give up and silently accept growing old. Hopefully when we are elderly, we lose all of our desires, physical urges…our libidos, more or less. Somehow I doubt this, for me, completely, and for others as well. I imagine myself in a few years, filled with hope and lust, wrinkled and undesirable, and I see little reason to continue hanging around, as incredibly vain and selfish as that sounds. At the end of the day, I guess I am not really all that altruistic. I hate the idea that one day, someone might see me and think, “She must have been beautiful once. Before now.” And then I hate how shallow I am.

I guess that there is no other alternative. We can only move forward. Allons-y.

34 comments

    • pivoine68

      Thanks my beautiful friend. It’s so frightening (and common) getting older. I am fortunate to have you guys to help me along in spite of the fact that I haven’t been reading anyone lately.

      Je t’embrasse,
      Dawn

  1. Benoรฎt Beaudry

    Well, Dawn, I don’t even have a clue of how you look in real life, but to me, you’re always beautiful through your writings…

    (Ok, yeah, I know, what I just wrote sucks big time and is not comforting at all, but hey, I tried!

    Maybe you’re right and aging will not be that fun… Go break all the mirrors and let’s just drink the pain away!

      • pivoine68

        I’m thinking of Rorschach Ink tests of my Wa….maybe I could become famous and incredibly wealthy that way. I would buy a printing house and publish myself!!! After all, some guy made money varnishing his own shit! What the fuck is wrong with us? We should already be more than famous!

        Je t’embrasse,
        Dawn

    • pivoine68

      Oh Dirrtty, why can’t you be my neighbor? We could hang out together and pretend that I am a bridesmaid at your cousin’s wedding. ๐Ÿ™‚ Now that would be beautiful!

      Longing Bisous,
      Dawn

  2. Theo Black

    I hate to hear you’re so unhappy at the moment. I hope that by now you’ve gotten your mojo back. You’ve been through a lot of stuff, honey. It’s not surprising that you’d have a come-down after going ahead into that crazy shit that we all dream of but are mostly too timid to act out. You should take a break from self-judgement and look for the people around you that will add up to next steps into a good life. I know there are people who know you, who’d like to know more; check some of them out. xx oo

    • pivoine68

      I feel like you just hugged me my Thรฉo. Thank you.
      I should not post stuff like this because afterward, I realize that other factors like not sleeping well or drinking too much tend to amplify my anxiety. I lose perspective.

      Thanks for caring. We are like old friends now!

      Tendres Baisers,
      Dawn

  3. Dawn D

    Oh Dawn,
    I haven’t been around much last week either. I apologise for joining the ride so late.
    You ARE beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, even yourself (I know, easier said than done, I still have to work on it myself ๐Ÿ˜‰ ).
    Fall is a difficult time, but think of all the fun you can have in front of a fireplace when the days are colder? I know, it’s not so easy.
    But I am hopeful that we can make it. And I just read a post about having sex as we get older… I’ll post the link here, just to put a smile on your face (hopefully). Don’t worry, that friend is like you, she writes sweet and short posts ๐Ÿ™‚ http://tieme8.wordpress.com/2014/09/20/said-too-much/
    Much love, aways
    XO
    Your fellow DN ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • pivoine68

      Mains non! Please do not apologize to the worlds biggest dick-blogger! I have about 1.000 posts I follow by email that I am now thinking of just erasing in order to start fresh again, reading, commenting etc. Once I get behind I see no way of getting back on top of things.

      Basically, I think that I need to somehow just get over myself. I am ridiculous. I haven’t seen the elderly sex video, I’m saving it for when I feel really suicidal. Lol!

      Thank you for being so supportive and for believing in me. I believe in you too.

      Big Autumn Bisous,
      Dawn (the other one.) ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Dawn D

        I must not have been very clear… it’s not a video, it’s a post. A very short one. And rather uplifting I think. You should really read it ๐Ÿ˜‰

        About the posts backlog… yes, when it gets that long, the best thing to do is probably to just forget it and start anew ๐Ÿ™‚

        Of course I believe in you! You’re the first one who believed in me ๐Ÿ™‚

        Bisous too!
        your fellow Dawn ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Dawn D

        Oh, your back’s hurting? ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

        I hope you feel better soon.

        As for the glasses… well, there are worse things in life ๐Ÿ˜‰

        And obviously we are not old. Because youth is not a period of time, it’s a state of mind ๐Ÿ™‚

        I have a draft somewhere about that ๐Ÿ™‚

        Bisous!

      • pivoine68

        My spine has been reorganized for sexual reasons. People really should get this stuff out of their system when they are in better health! ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Dawn D

        I know what you mean! My lower back tends to hurt when I have a bit too much sex, too much arching will do that to our older bodies ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
        But frankly, I wouldn’t change it for the world. Sex is natural, sex is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should!
        I’ll take a little back ache anytime in exchange of the wonderful feelings of ecstasy ๐Ÿ˜‰
        Granted, I’ve never been in such a bad state after sex that I couldn’t move. At least not because of the sex (high fever WILL make your back feel like shit!)

      • pivoine68

        Oh I’m just a little achy. The bodies way of holding on to fleeting moments! I wouldn’t change it in for another life either! ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Pingback: You’re ugly | Accidental Masturbator

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