At The End Of The Day, Love Is Better

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RenΓ© Magritte, Les Amants

You can only fool yourself for so long.

Spicy sexual escapades filled with erotic sensations and emptied of sentiment are like many other hobbies. You begin in a passionate frenzy that typically does not last very long. At first, you can imagine yourself, say, golfing, playing tennis, bridge, doing needle-point….with the same zeal for the rest of your time on this earth. And then one day, you realize that you feel less inclined to do so. After the newness wears off, a sort of tediousness takes over. There is a whole lot of predictable in the unpredictable.

Meeting new people, seeing their homes, how they live, learning about their sexual penchants, having unbridled intercourse with them, it’s still totally thrilling to me. I enjoy discovering them, finding common denominators between them. I have learned more about my own sexuality in this past year than in my whole life up until now, which is something I feel incredibly lucky to experience at this point because I am no longer a young woman. More or less, I’m flabbergasted to even be getting laid at all, much less to have the luxury of choice.

I would be lying if I said that my partners in crime meant nothing to me. They are often quite interesting, frequently incredibly warm and always very enthusiastic. Their ardor is contagious. I have seen some of them several times, some of them only once. One or two I now consider to be my friend. One lives in my neighborhood and we talk on the phone sometimes. He is a true libertin and I enjoy sharing my adventures with him because he is so genuinely interested in my sexual evolution. A few of my pals are cheating on their wives/girlfriends and I have mixed feelings about what we do together. As I am cheating on no one, I feel like I am a real, bona fide libertine. Cheating just means a person is bored/horny/whatever. It means that you are taking liberties that you are not supposed to be taking. I am a stickler for clear definitions. Life is confusing enough without throwing in nebulous terminology.

What prompted this post? Well, I was watching television with my husband the other night when a passionate love-making scene passed before my empty, hypnotic gaze. My eyes welled up and spilled over. I have been doing lots of things lately but love-making is no longer part of my repertoire. I really am so much happier in my new, highly sexual life than I was in the old, withering on the vine life I was living before. Having my husband’s approval to act on my desires makes me love him even more than I did before, but we don’t have sex at all. Ever.

My body purrs like a kitten but my heart knows a scam from miles away.

(Note to self.) You can take the love out of the sex or the sex out of the love, but probably, if you really thought you were worth it, you would strive to find a full-package deal.

14 comments

  1. Dawn D

    I’ll get back to this later, as I have little time now, but yes, I agree so much with this post πŸ™‚

  2. Dawn D

    Sooo… First of all, I want to say how sorry I am to read that there is absolutely no sex in your marriage. I’m sure that, even going elsewhere to get fulfilled, you must be missing something, some connection…
    As I read your post, I couldn’t help but think about my (few) experiences. I’m going to forget about what happened during my marriage, as there was little to no sex and I really am not sure there was any love. There certainly wasn’t much respect, so I don’t think that relationship counts for our purpose here.
    This leaves me with 3 people I’ve had sex with since I started this journey. For all of them, there was more respect I think than during my marriage. The one-night stand was a very different experience from the other two. For these two, there was some sort of connection, an exchange of more than just bodily fluids. Time involved, a willingness to listen to me, to rejoice with my achievements and comfort me through my difficulties, to share their worries and their joys as well.
    On the contrary, the one night stand was just that, a willingness to open up my body but leaving my soul well hidden and protected from possible hurt by not being open to the situation. Soon after having experienced it, I realised that I had been unable to truly be in the present. It felt a bit like I was observing my body having sex with a stranger instead of truly being present and enjoying the sensations.
    Other events happened in my life to prevent me from renewing the experience, but I know deep down, have known for a while, that this type of experience isn’t very pleasant in the end. So I think I will avoid it in the future πŸ™‚

    • pivoine68

      Wait…I’m trying to figure out an IPad way to be sure that I don’t write my response and then inadvertently make it disappear! That happens to me on a daily basis. 😦

      For now, I’ve read your comment but cannot see it as I’m writing, so I’m winging it!

      The first year and a half of my blog was me belly-aching about my sexless marriage. That and my burning desires. That is all behind me more or less. It’s a weird situation but it’s working. On most days anyway.

      I know what you mean about one-night stands but I think it can work in two different ways. Knowing that there is no tomorrow possible either makes you hide your emotional side or bare it completely. I often feel like I am floating up above my body, watching things happen, but in my case, it’s because I’m usually somewhere near drunkeness during my interactions.

      What confuses me is, (and this confusion is very cultural.) I am not sure if I am living this because it makes me happy or because I don’t really like myself that much. In America, self-respect is always somewhere on the same shelf as sexual relationships yet I am not sure that my actions mean that I have no self-respect. In a way I feel like I am taking a masculin approach to my sexuality and even though it isn’t 100% satisfying….I am so calm now. My life before was killing me.

      Big Bisous,
      Dawn

      • Dawn D

        Ah, you’re (limited) ability to navigate an IPad πŸ˜‰
        I understand that living in a sexless marriage can be very frustrating, I know, I was there, even though mine was never as bad as yours.
        My husband was never ready to let me go look elsewhere to satisfy my needs though. And wasn’t ready to try and fulfill them. Though this wasn’t the marriage breaker for me, it was in a way a catalyst, an eye-opener maybe. A recognition that I didn’t count as much in his eyes, and really never had as anything else than just a convenient service-provider.
        You may think that the lack of connection is due to your alcohol consumption. I think it isn’t the case. I wonder if it isn’t rather a way of making sure there can be no emotional connection. Possibly a way for you to ensure that, even if an emotional connection were ever to make it to the surface, you wouldn’t feel it? Or a way to make sure that you can go about it, knowing that no connection is allowed to take place and that way you know for sure that you won’t feel it? I don’t know how to explain properly what I am thinking, these two statements don’t quite represent the same thing in my mind, but I fear that the nuance is difficult to see in the way I wrote it down. Tiredness!
        Having been in the one night stand place, I can assure you that, for me, the floating feeling isn’t due to any amount of alcohol ingested, but rather to that lack of emotional connection.
        I do understand what you’re saying though, about baring one’s emotional side. But… do you really? Without any fear that the protagonist will run away before you get into any physical activity? I’m not sure I could do that. But again, I don’t have your experience πŸ™‚
        About the self-respect thing… I read this not long ago, and thought I’d make a post about it… but maybe that would interest you already πŸ™‚
        http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201406/develop-radical-self-value

        This said, I’m so happy for you that you feel calmer now! I hope you keep feeling like that, and that at some point you may even feel so comfortable that you won’t need to be ‘somewhere near drunkeness’ as often.
        Let’s raise our glass to us figuring it all out soon πŸ˜‰
        Much love, always.
        Dawn

      • pivoine68

        Well, I’ve fixed myself a cocktail, heavy on the vodka, a splash of cranberry to add fruit and help avoid UTIs and I am now pondering your words. πŸ™‚

        Thanks for your input and for the article too. I doubt that I will ever get that comfortable, but then again, loads of shit I thought would never happen has, so you never know!

        Sending love back your way,
        Dawn

      • Dawn D

        I probably should fix myself some alcohol too. I think I could use some tonight. Some sudden wave of… sigh! If only I knew what the problem was!
        Or maybe it’s that I don’t want to see what the problem is :-/
        Cranberry is a must! It’s said to be so good for the body. Not sure that splash can count as one of your 5 a day though πŸ˜‰
        Yes, you never know what will happen. That’s what makes life so scary, yet so interesting as well…
        I don’t know which I am leaning more towards tonight, scary or interesting. I need either a drink or a nap. I hate to drink by myself. Not that I like to sleep alone much either… catch 22!
        Savour your drink thinking of me!
        Bises
        Dawn

  3. pivoine68

    I savored my cocktail while cleaning the bathroom. Lol! Luckily I didn’t break anything. I love drinking by myself. By know you must realize that. πŸ™‚ Put on some happy music and dance around until exhaustion knocks you out. Tomorrow will be a brighter day.

    Bisous,
    Dawn

    • Dawn D

      Had I been alone, I just may have had that drink. Having children around makes it that little bit less easy…
      I’m sure tomorrow will be a brighter day πŸ™‚
      Thank yo my friend
      Bises

  4. Jayne

    This is one of those posts that just make me ponder life and just live it. Stop thinking…go garden and let it pass. xoxo, Jayne

  5. Marian Green

    Sometimes there is no package deal. You just have to piece together your own package. And I have missed some posts. When did your husband become a part of knowing your explorations? This is exciting!

    • pivoine68

      I suppose you are right, and I am not certain now that I read this again that self-worth is really a part of the picture or just what I think other people would say. Did that make sense? πŸ™‚

      As for my husband, it’s been over a year now that we have been doing things this new way. It was a complete shock to me and I am so in awe of the whole, very unlikely scenario. Yay!

      Bises,
      Dawn

    • pivoine68

      Thanks for reading! Love and sex are two big topics in my life and my here on my blog as well…my ideas about these subjects varie greatly depending on the day. I’m glad we agreed this time! πŸ™‚

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