The Big Gliss(e)

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I had a sneaking suspicion that the word, “glisse,” does not exist in English, so I Googled it, and it does not. “Glisser,” means to glide, in the language of Shakespeare. In French, the term, “sport de glisse,” englobes all sports where you slide. Skiing, skateboarding, wind surfing. You get the picture. This word came to mind while I was trying to process my new life in my old brain. In this extremely sensorial new life of mine, I see myself as a spoiled child at an amusement park.

I love funnel cakes and candy apples, I can drink gallons of any carbonated beverage without feeling ill. You can invite me on the most terrifying rides…I’m game. I especially enjoy roller coasters, how you painfully chug up that big-ass hill, fear seizing your soul. You close your eyes as you arrive at the crest and whooosh! That is how I have been doing things lately. Repeating this sensory overload…a sort of all-you-can-eat buffet, 100 roller coaster rides in a row. I get off, my legs are wobbly and my crossed eyes search frantically for balance on the horizon. I feel a bit nauseous, yet when someone says, “Again?” I accept the offer, more or less enthusiastically.

Go figure.

The sweet words of a cyber-stranger are really the reason for my mental processing. Then again I am processing all the time but his words made me really think. We write to each other on my “Sleeping With Strangers,” website where I have a very short introduction about myself, which is odd really because I am the Queen of Ramblers, run-on-sentences, of vague ideas going nowhere.

This minimalist presentation says something like, “I am searching for someone with a strong appetite to fill my free moments,” brief and to the point, not much like me, but when you throw yourself into a new life, you can’t continue dragging around the babbling person you have been up until that point. When I wrote those words, I didn’t really mean one person. I think I meant, “Bring it on!” and much toΒ my surprise, despite my age, (I see no use in lying about that) and also the fact that I posted no photos of myself there, I now realize that if I really wanted to, I could be having sex on a daily basis. Even more than a daily basis. Which I guess is true for most anyone who is physically capable. Somehow it comes as a huge surprise to me. I guess I never realized my sexual potential. I have never felt wanted. I am reassured by all of this because I have already managed to come up with no career, although I had everything necessary to succeed in this life. If it was really too late to capture a thrilling sex-life, I think the sadness of it all would knock me out for good.

So far I have received around 180 messages, and only one person saw through my inadequate cover. I have even managed to fool myself for a while.

Even those who love roller coaster rides eventually yearn for the Ferris wheel.

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13 comments

  1. Dawn D

    Nice post Dawn!
    I can so relate with ‘having come up with no career’ and ‘not feeling wanted’, though for me, it only became true after my marriage, as I certainly felt myself being wanted as a teen and young adult. But it’s so easy to forget! I’m glad that, even if we’re going at it in different ways, we are both realising that our sex lives can be thrilling πŸ™‚
    Enjoy the ride, and the dull times as well. They make the spicy moments seem spicier πŸ˜€
    Bises

    • pivoine68

      Yeah, me too. Before marriage I felt wanted….more or less. Maybe not even very much. It’s hard to decide if all of this is a result of my marital life or an age-old problem. I hope to start liking myself at any moment now! (Don’t hold your breath!)

      Bises,
      Dawn

      • Dawn D

        I think the problem is more with allowing people to want us, and allowing ourselves to feel wanted, than with actually be wanted, if it makes any sense. I hope you start liking yourself soon too. I’m not holding my breath, but am very hopeful! I quite like myself now. I used to use a mantra to get there. Every time I’d see myself in a mirror, I’d say “I’m a beautiful woman with charm and nice curves.”. It helped… Slowly I stopped seeing myself as a big fat thing and started seeing myself as a woman again. I’m not saying it’s easy, nor that I’m successful all the time. At the moment, I really don’t feel sexy. I’m hoping it’ll get better as soon as my health is restored πŸ™‚

  2. Hyacinth

    (I’m catching up…) What do you mean “only one person saw through your cover”?

    I’d also like to point out my story isn’t so different from yours. I felt unwanted and not beautiful for years, as well. My life ended as I knew it when I called bullshit. Lives ending isn’t necessarily a bad thing. xx hy

    • pivoine68

      Well, one guy on my site thought that in my presentation, I was looking for a lover, which I wasn’t really, I just wanted to maximize my sexual potential…plus I already had a lover for a while and he, of course, broke my frail heart. I’m talking in circles, I wanted to avoid emotional attachment and just have sex when I felt like it but that whole scenario is heartbreaking too.

      Maybe we like each other so much because we have similar stories. I wish I had a neighbor though! Shit! πŸ™‚

      Bises!

      • Dawn D

        (Sorry to butt into this conversation)
        The thing is, I’m sure you have neighbours though. But to find one like TN, you have to be open to let them into your life and yo ustill seem quite ambivalent about it all… that’s the difficult part I think!!

  3. Greta

    Yes I agree, that the intimacy wheel (i mean ferris wheel) is probably where one should be headed when they stop feeling the rush of the meaningless sex coaster. Chasing chasing chasing, I feel wanted again now what, why don’t I feel good though. Why does it seem like there is more. Sex is great and all…but you can be wanted for so much more.

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