Torn

Photo by Bill Tong

I am torn, like a shirt-sleeve and a bit of skin on a thorny rosebush, between the desire to refuse my needs and my needs, never far behind, between what I think I should want and what my heart yearns for. The more I try to protect my fragile core, the more shallow and meaningless my horizontal interactions feel to me. When I am “interacting,,” I am quite elated. My brief interludes are adrenaline-charged, heady, dangerous. Sharing intimate parts of myself with strangers is in many ways out of character for me. I am passive, people find me timid, skittish, which I really am in some ways. I am at times physically incapable of taking small steps but I can eagerly throw my entire body off of a cliff. A job interview fills me with panic bordering on sheer terror, yet it is unusual to be physically harmed in the course of a job interview. Less so in the bed of a stranger. I guess I’m not very frightened of hurting physically. So far no one has harmed me.

(double-dipped once, the victim of a slyly misplaced condom on another occasion….this shit happens even when you don’t sleep with strangers. So far I am unharmed.)

When I analyze my own attitude towards relationships with men, because even these “non-relationships” do constitute relationships, superficial, skin-deep but human relations nonetheless…I find it amusing how little I have really changed in my approach. In my pre-marital sex-life, I had rules of conduct that I never broke. They are similar to the rules I have set for myself now and maybe it is somewhere in this protocol that I cannot seem to find a very gratifying situation.

My number-one rule has always been, “Don’t have sex with a friend,” which I don’t, because I think it is much harder to find a good friend than a sexual partner. Maybe this is the root of my problem. Maybe this has led me to failing madly in my romantic (and not so romantic) endeavors. Because really, what I am trying to protect myself from is exactly what I am craving. Trying to avoid being hurt is probably just as painful as loving someone with all your heart and then being hurt in the end. Maybe even more so, at least when you love someone, you are blessed for a fleeting moment with the most beautiful, noble emotions.

Although my quest for sexual fulfillment for the last few months has been cheap and impersonal, although my new partners have little to do with who I really am, somehow I want to know more about them. I want to go deeper, know what makes them tick. I want to know their favorite books, what they like to eat on a cold winter night, how they take their coffee in the morning. The path I have chosen closes that door automatically…I am not an idiot, I realize this, but for today, I find this path to be incredibly depressing. Empty and cold.

My blog was getting a lot more traffic when I was in a sexual desert. Hmmm.

18 comments

  1. Fatal

    I always find it hard to connect without something else there. It wasn’t so when I was younger, but then I realize, the meaningless, nameless, nearly faceless sex–the sex with strangers whom I only now remember by numbers and some trait… some fact about them or the night or the circumstance, was never as good as the sex I’ve had with people who know me intimately.

    Like you, I want to know people. Perhaps I don’t need to love them endlessly, madly… but I’d like to know their hobbies, or the way they like their eggs cooked, what is their joie de vivre… their raison d’etre? Something to cling to, so I can remember the taste and the feel of them better. So they aren’t just a fleeting number in a long line of numbers.

    Also, my blog gets a lot more traffic when I am miserable. I understand that feeling.

    Hello, my beautiful friend. I’ve been lax in commenting, but I always read you.

    Jtm.

    Xoxo

    • pivoine68

      JTM aussi my beautiful friend!

      You just made me realize what is missing. Thank you! That is exactly it….something to hold on to in my brain when it’s all over. I’m not looking for fairy tale romance, which is a good thing seeing how far removed from that scenario I have positioned myself. I guess I don’t have sex with friends but I’d like my partners, past, present, future, to become my friends. Otherwise it is as random as who you bump into on the bus. (and no one writes about that! Lol!)

      I am sending you a big kiss and a café au lait and a pain au chocolate,
      Dawn

      • Greta

        You know, I’ve felt this way before too ;). Actually its the reason I can’t write anymore. I need more from the men,and my husband doesn’t want me to want or need more. I quit. I don’t even want him anymore. I want love, but I don’t because that is the most scary thing ever.

      • pivoine68

        That’s what I think as well. It is probably the scariest and most beautiful thing. Love I mean. My needs have never been too important to my husband, at least not my sexual needs and being denied that part of life was killing me slowly. Now my new life may kill me quickly. Or give me a STD. And sex without at least friendship is getting depressing. Men are ridiculous sometimes, they are so afraid that we might want more from them. I don’t know how to say that. I’m flustered because I’m cooking. I have guests tomorrow.

        Keep writing. It will help to sort things out.

        Bises,
        Dawn

  2. Dawn D

    Yes, I remember my one and only one-night-stand… I was very excited getting into it, a bit scared because it was a first time I jumped into bed with a total stranger. I totally get what you ladies are saying: if I have sex with someone, I may not need to know about everything, but I need to know *some* thing. That way I can remember whatever happened with glee a long time after the fact. Otherwise? It’s no more engraved in my brain than exercising in the gym. Not very satisfying.
    Great post, and I’m sorry you feel down. I really liked your fictional stories too 🙂
    Bises

    • pivoine68

      Thanks! I’m feeling better today. I hate Sundays and I tend to write on Sundays as well, which makes it seem like I am almost always feeling down….but I’m not. 🙂

      It’s just difficult finding a good balance. (and that has been my problem for as long as I can remember. Not only on Sundays.)

      Bises,
      Dawn

  3. Theo Black

    Dawn, you have an interesting mind, you look really good, and you have depth. I’m pretty sure that of the dozens of guys who looked at you this week and thought you’d be great to take to bed, there were at least one or two who’d enjoy talking about mutual interests in books, food and coffee.

    • pivoine68

      Théo, I wish that you were my next-door neighbor. I think that your presence would always make me smile. Thanks for flattering me, I love that. 🙂

      Bisous,
      Dawn

    • pivoine68

      You’re right AM, there is a silver-lining in all of this mental (not always) masturbation. Hope you are well my blogging friend.

      Bises,
      Dawn

  4. Mrs Fever

    My number-one rule has always been, “Don’t have sex with a friend,” which I don’t, because I think it is much harder to find a good friend than a sexual partner.

    The most meaningful sexual relationships I’ve had in my life developed out of friendship.

    And yet, meaningful friendships have dissolved in the aftermath of sexual relations.

    This is a difficult line to walk. Especially when you desire connection.

    I grok.

    • pivoine68

      Me too Mrs. Fever, it seems obvious that I’m going about all of this the wrong way, yet I am not too sure how else to do it. Live and learn I guess! 🙂 thanks for stopping by!

      Bises,
      Dawn

  5. Hyacinth

    I was once in your position: yearning for connection AND distance simultaneously. It was a wild dance, not logical, but somehow necessary. I encourage you to just feel/need/want whatever you want. You’ve come so far!! Look at you! It’s almost like you believe you’re worth being touched again!! And of course you are, so who cares if you’re a little contradictory so long as you get put in the line of a passionate embrace? Have you seen my ridiculous list of lovers?? Writing about them is how I tackled the whole “I don’t know this guy” thing. It forced me to find small details about him. Love you, Sweet Dawn. Xx Hy

    • pivoine68

      I do love a passionate embrace! Getting back in the saddle has been euphoric and a bit of a bumpy ride. Better than no ride, by far! Thanks for being around to see what happens next! Life is so complicated but people like you make writing about it so wonderful.

      Love you,
      Dawn

    • pivoine68

      I suppose that my honesty I is both my gift and my nightmare….at any rate, I can’t keep things in. Luckily I can let them out here!

      I am always pleasantly surprised (so far) how fascinating strangers can be. It is really unexpected. 🙂

      Bises Sweety!
      Dawn

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