Connections Once More

The late morning sun poured into the window of his modest apartment. It was far too early in the day to ask for a glass of wine, but I asked for one anyway. I had already began my quest for quiet drunkenness hours before, calming myself into motion. At times I become so anxious, wound up tight like a fisherman’s line under the weight of a large, cold fish. I know that this kind of nervous energy paralyzes me, unless I can tone it down some, so that is what I do. Meeting someone new,  a total stranger, having sex with that person, it does not really matter, it’s not about that. I mean, that is not the reason for my anxiety. Nor for my drinking. The repetition of these brief interludes is becoming rather addictive as well. It is terrifying to me and so far, I can’t say that it is making me any happier, but then again it isn’t making me any unhappier either.

He poured me a glass of wine. His strong arm lightly touched my body as he handed it to me. His eyes were a beautiful shade of blue, nearly turquoise. I liked his smile, warm and slightly melancholic. This underlying sadness in him made me think about the fact that probably most people who indulge in this kind of sexual behavior, random, multiplying partners whose names will most likely be forgotten…they, like me, are searching for something, or perhaps searching to avoid something.

I’ve decided to call this chapter of my life, “I Refuse To Be Fucking Disappointed Ever Again,” and so far, I have not been disappointed. Ok, maybe a little bit. Not physically at any rate. There is a certain freedom in expecting nothing from another human being. When I think about it, I have always strived to be free of expectations so really, I am following my path of origin, except that before, I always ended up wanting more. A deeper connection, a bond, a promise…love, maybe. Now I’m thinking that the desire for commitment, ownership, whatever, is natural but deep down, I don’t believe that we, flawed human beings, are capable of it. Maybe for a day or a year or ten years but asking someone for forever is a hoax. A sham. We are in constant mutation, we cannot even offer ourselves forever.

To love someone for an afternoon, to share myself completely during the course of an evening, this I know I am capable of. I loved his weight on top of me, his hands exploring me, being filled with him. When it seemed to be time to part, I got dressed, rounded up my affaires, brushed my hair. We kissed, a lengthy goodbye kiss which ignited the fire all over again…clothing flying, bodies pulsating. Sex is cheap, or so they say, but for me I see no way of being any closer to another human being. Sometimes loving someone for a few hours is as beautiful as loving someone for a lifetime. In a few hours, you have far less time to be disappointed.

24 comments

  1. Jayne

    Bravo, bravo. The sentiment is perfection. Yes, the time slips by like taking a number at the butcher, but what you said about giving all of yourself for that short time IS the beauty of it, no? Being able to give yourself is just awesome in itself.

  2. Dawn D

    “Sometimes loving someone for a few hours is as beautiful as loving someone for a lifetime. In a few hours, you have far less time to be disappointed.”
    I really love this line… Great story, as usual. I think it’s true meaning (for me) will only hit later on 😉

    Bises
    XO

    • pivoine68

      At times when I re-read things that I’ve written, I’m afraid it all sounds horribly cynical. Maybe I am horribly cynical. Thanks for liking me and my cynicism Dawn D. 🙂

      Bises,
      Dawn

      • Dawn D

        Oh, you know I like you, cynicism and all… After all, you are my first supporter, how could I not like you? Plus, you write beautifully, in ways that appeal to my inner layers of consciousness… What’s not to like?!
        Bises
        XO

      • Dawn D

        Did you not read the part where I am overweight?! Who cares about fatty tissue?! I was told by two different people not long ago that I need to remove the word fat from my vocabulary. Prefer curvy or rubenesque 😉
        At some point we will learn to see ourselves as the perfect women we are. Right?! Tell me I’m right, please :-/
        XOOX

      • Nick

        You two sound like REAL women!
        “Overweight” and “cellulite”? I’m sure these never stopped anything but the most shallow of men (and women?) from wanting to spend time in your company:-)

  3. Nick

    I don’t think you are cynical. You are trying to gather some pleasure from life when the pleasures you thought you might have had just evaporated away. Yet, you still try to do it without hurting anybody else.
    I suspect what you think of as cynical is just you being a little careful with your feelings. Being burnt by other people is not nice, so lowering your expectations of others helps you get out and enjoy them.

    • pivoine68

      That was sort of how I have been rationalizing it to myself. It is immoral I suppose. It has become, “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” Life slides by so fucking quickly….I refuse to hesitate for another second.

      Burnt Bisous,
      Dawn

      • Nick

        immoral
        ɪˈmɒr(ə)l
        adjective

        not conforming to accepted standards of morality.
        “unseemly and immoral behaviour”
        synonyms: unethical, bad, morally wrong, wrongful, wicked, evil, unprincipled, unscrupulous, dishonourable, dishonest, unconscionable, iniquitous, disreputable, fraudulent, corrupt, depraved, vile, villainous, nefarious, base, unfair, underhand, devious,sinful, impure, unchaste, unvirtuous, shameless, degenerate, debauched, abandoned, dissolute, reprobate, perverted, indecent, lewd, licentious, wanton, bawdy, lustful, promiscuous, whorish; (informal) shady, low-down; (informal) dodgy, crooked, not cricket; (archaic) miscreant
        “they deplored immoral behaviour among the upper classes”
        antonyms: moral, ethical, chaste

        I don’t think you tick many of those definitions. You don’t hurt or damage others, you bring pleasure and relief. You give, possibly even more than you receive. You risk yourself to do these things.
        I’m sure many of us would like to have this flavour of ‘immoral’ in our lives.

        Mind you…it definitely is not cricket! In a good way:-)

      • Dawn D

        You are right, we lost too much time already. Might as well start enjoying what we have now and not wait any longer 🙂

    • pivoine68

      When I write, I always believe that I am honest but when I read my own words later, sometimes I say to myself, “Dawn, you are so full of shit!” My honesty is in constant mutation like the rest of me. 🙂

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