If You Don’t Know What You Are Searching For, Chances Are You Aren’t Going To Find It

I suppose that most people figure that out by the time they reach junior high school, or at the latest in their early twenties.

I am not “most people.”

Despite my age and the funnel-effect of what life still has time to offer me, I can’t seem to pin it down with enough certainty. The most obvious thing that I am missing is serenity. Self acceptance. I’m afraid that every awkward movement I make trying to find a solid foundation just pushes me farther away from what I am looking for. At this point, I have to say that at 45 years of age, trudging through quick sand up to my dimpled thighs every God-given day is becoming extremely tiring.

At times I think sexual fulfillment could somehow ground me more solidly onto my own plane of existence. Placing “sex,” and “love,” into two different drawers gives me the impression that my field studies will do me no harm, but then again so far I am no more soothed than I was before all of this foolishness started. There have been some orgasmic breakthroughs, some naughty milestones but really nothing that makes me any happier when I open my eyes every morning. Having the possibility to experience this freedom is unexpected and quite surrealist and I am sure that if it hadn’t occurred, my choices would have led me straight to a park bench or a homeless shelter.

I do have a surprisingly strong backbone. Despite appearances, I am not afraid to take drastic measures in order to reach some kind of happy destination. Nothing I have done so far has transported me magically into a state of peace. Not even close. In order to live these new, vaguely terrifying situations, I have to drink even more than before. I get the depressing feeling that I am exchanging my physical health for the far too elusive happiness that I doubt finding more and more each day.

My metaphorically strong backbone is starting the pay the price of years, decades, centuries of smoking and drinking. My bones are probably too brittle now to not be crushed into a fine, painful dust under the energetic thrusting, the unlikely acrobatic fornication that I have been indulging in recently. The dull ache is a constant reminder that I am no longer young. For as long as I can remember I have had the frantic impression of running after a train that is already leaving the station. That I have figured out what I should have been searching for years ago does not help matters now.


    • pivoine68

      Oh Jane! I think I have been hyperventilating since the day I was born! If I drink enough, I can hone it down into a light panting…

      Bises to you,

  1. etoile31

    Redoutable complexité quasi militaire que de progresser dans le sable jusqu’aux cuisses, cé sûr, voilà de quoi forget le caractère tout en s’azssurant un gommage des plus efficaces (j’en cherche moi, une Perle Douce et Rare comme cela….)5 ans à se gomer de la sorte, fait de vous une personne attachante, et qui sait ce qu’elle veut, vous voilà arriver vers les Rivages où tout est en voie de réalisation (Bah! oui, c’est bien connu, jusque là, comme vous le dites fort joliment on n’a que des tiroirs qui débordent…… Bon, je vous donne là, une vision de Mec, mais voilà qu’à 45 printemps en effet, tout s’est Rêve-Ailé…., Ho pas par magie…… Je vous passe les angoisses, l’anxièté et les tourments (Té! vous voyez…..?)
    Les Sommets orgasmiques, ma Pôv’ Dame, mais ils vont vous faire vivre là, le tellurique et le volcanique…….. L’amour est forcément “On the Corner”, en Germes (Au cul la vieille! c’est le Printemps!) et c’est clair question préparation physique, va falloir travailler les articulations, les muscles profonds, toussa…… ça va gomer de l’intérieur…. Je préconise les escaliers plutôt que les ascenceurs (sur prescription of course!), pour le travail du bassin et des épaules……

    P.S.: vous faut repérer un Donjon…..,

    • pivoine68

      C’est plutôt ridicule, mais je suis super intimidée par les blogueurs français. Je parle très bien votre langue mais à l’écrit, ben…j’ai horreur des fautes d’orthographe et puisque je suis une vieille polchtron(ne?) c’est quasi certaine que j’en fais. Mais bon, revenons à nos oignons. Mes efforts herculéens d’avancer dans la sable mouvante jusqu’aux cuisses n’ont pas vraiment améliorer la beauté de mes jambes. (“dimpled,” veut dire “capitonnées,” plus ou moins.)

      J’aime mieux l’escalier et dans un Donjon, j’aurais l’impression d’être Rapunzel ou Mélisande. 🙂


      PS: j’écris un autre blog sur le Tumblr en français. Personne ne laisse des commentaires là donc je ne suis pas intimidée.

      • etoile31

        Bah oui, mais comment Sa-Voir….. Tiens! qu’il y a un ailleurs où la parole peut se Rêve-Ailé plus légère…….., Hein!

      • Dawn D

        En même temps, ces considérations métaphysiques et pleines de jeux de mots pour quelqu’un dont ce n’est pas la langue maternelle… pas facile! Mais bravo Dawn, ton francais est super! Il y a quand même une chose avec laquelle je ne suis pas tout à fait d’accord. Polchtronne, peut-être. Vieille?! NON!!

      • pivoine68

        Mais vraiment ultra polchtronne! Je ne vis pas en France par hasard! Merci pour tes compliments! Je suis flattée!

        Bises Dawn D!
        L’Autre Dawn 🙂

  2. Benoît Beaudry

    Dawn, that’s a bit depressing to read! But good, as always.

    45 or not…
    The inevitable passing of age is often less worse than we seem stuck to think it is (ok, sometimes; painful a bit)
    Passing states of rage are at least sometimes something (I’m not sure what though… semi-fun, maybe?)

    Whatever you do, keep writing, I’m becoming an addict and I don’t want to go searching for these words-pills down the streets.

    Bises, Dawn.


    • pivoine68

      Ben, I am a depressing kind of blogger. I do have fun sometimes and I think I would rather be my depressing self than a cheerful, shinier kind of person. In some ways I find happiness to be trite. Trivial. No wonder why I have such a hard time! Lol! I love writing and I certainly don’t want you purchasing words from shady characters on street corners!

      How is the song coming along?


      • Benoît Beaudry

        Erm… to be honnest, the song is still not coming along, but it will eventually… I have a melody… guitar riff and the words… it’s the recording part I struggle with… I’m lazy like you can’t even imagine… a king of procrastinator… not always… but too often…

        But it will come along at some point, because I will record a whole bunch of songs at the same time when I’ll be on a creative high… there’s always a high waiting to get high somewhere… well… I don’t know how to put my sentence in order right now, but…

        Saturday, is the night I play with my really bad punk band, we rock, we drink and we have fun… and I always start a bit too aerly with the drinking part so… anyway, I must go now…

        Have a nice weekend full of your trivial trite happiness…

        Bye Dawn

      • pivoine68

        Here’s to a drunken punk rock evening! I am also a huge procrastinator. Procrastination fuels my idling engine.

        Bye Ben!

  3. jayne

    I think you are totally wrong in thinking people figure out what they want so early. I think it is ever changing according to the personality. You’re not alone is what I’m saying my friend. XO, Jayne

    • pivoine68

      I don’t know. I think a lot of people don’t ask themselves so many questions and they are probably happier that way but I don’t think I want to be like them. We are analyzers…and we do a damn good job of it! You are never alone either, you are stuck with me! 🙂


  4. TK.Kim

    Peut être ne faut-il tout simplement jamais trouver. Continuer à chercher désespérement, continuer à s’épuiser derrière ce train qui de toute façon ne nous attend pas.. L’immobilité en horreur, même la déchéance est plus douce qu’un repos de l’âme… La poussière des os comme seul vrai but à atteindre, un jour, le plus lointain possible. “Fuir le bonheur de peur qu’il ne se sauve” n’est ce pas ce que tu fais, Dawn?

    • pivoine68

      Je pensais à ça aussi. Peut être quand on trouve, on meurt. J’ai l’impression de ne jamais arriver à rien mais s’il faut, c’est cette impression qui me fait avancer. (vers rien, ça va de soi!)

      Et ouiiii! C’est exactement ce que je fais! Le bonheur m’effraie. Je le cherche quand même, histoire d’affronter mes peurs innombrables.

      Bises T.K. Kim!

      • etoile31

        Bon, nous avions parlé sport à propos de ce Billet….

        Hivernal s’il en était,

        le 1° jour du mois de Mars,

        alors que nous voilà déjà rendu à son 31° jour,


        Mine de Rien,

        Mine de Crayon…..

        Du coup,

        ça m’est revenu….

        d’avoir changé de saison, peut-être….

        Hé oui, nous voilà en Printemps,


        Et du coup du changement d’heure,



        Va-t’en savoir Té!

        En tous cas, je reveneais, oui,

        Je reviens, pour parler Poésie….


        vous me direz,

        Le printemps,

        Cé comme l’Automne,

        les Romantiques, ça les chauffe……

        Bah oui, Keske vous voulez……

      • pivoine68

        En tout cas, avec ce changement d’heure / saison etc. etc….je ne cherche plus rien. Je suis passée de ” chercheur,” à “trouveur.” (euse?)

        Bises Henri Étoile,

    • Etoile Henri

      Chercher est épuisant, trouver est exaltant…….., vivifiant, on est simplement Trans-Porté plus loin…. et conduit vers d’autres voies, d’autres choix….., Argh! Le Voyageur Immobile chantait l’artiste……..
      Le “Bonheur”, mais oui, quelle belle image, là, que d’en parler avec frayeur….., que peut-il exister de plus vain, de plus stérile….

      Foin de bonheur ce qui existe dans la rencontre entre Amour et Sexe est Beau Fertrile, Fécond (prévoir du caoutchouc!), simple, Extra-Ordinaire, pas banal, Unique, différent…….. A ce moment là, les Peurs pulvérisées se sont que ce qu’elles n’ont jamais été d’autres des Chimères……..


  5. Dawn D

    I totally agree with Jayne. It took me quite a while to figure out what I was looking for. I still haven’t really found it, but at least now I’m hopeful. Or maybe it is more that I know what I don’t want now. I don’t know. *Sigh*

    Sometimes, I too feel like I’m going in circles, going nowhere. But maybe they’re not really circles, maybe they’re really a spiral that looks very much like circles, but IS leading me somewhere… Time will tell. All I can say is, I used to be heavily depressed. Now there is one thing I know. I don’t want to be THAT anymore. And no, life is not dull when one is not depressed. I haven’t had this much fun in a loooong time. I am finally allowing myself to have fun 🙂

    I wish I could help you in some way, other than reading your words… But at least, that, I can do.

    Je t’embrasse, aux deux sens du terme.

    • pivoine68

      I feel like that too…I don’t know what I want but I’m quite certain of what I don’t want. I have known some very bleak depressions as well. Great for weight loss but otherwise, I never want to go down that black road again.

      Thanks for reading my jumbled thoughts and for caring. I wish that you wrote here, I think I keep missing you. And loads of people here as well.

      Je t’embrasse aussi,

      • Dawn D

        Well, for me, depressions were great for weight gain… to each their own 😉 But it’s not a fun road to go down.
        Of course I care. If I’ve figured out one thing in my life, it’s that I’m a carer. It was my downfall before, I would care more about other than myself. Now I’m trying to keep the balance straighter. But this is a part of me that will always remain.
        However, I’m not sure what you mean when you say you wish I wrote here. I do write here. Or at least I think I do. But if you fancy a longer chat, you can always head to my blog and send me an email 🙂
        BIG hug!

      • pivoine68

        No, you do write here! I mean I wish that your blog was on WordPress…that way I would get an email every time you wrote. Then I would receive like 100 emails from various bloggers and I would feel like an asshole who cannot keep up. 🙂
        On Google I don’t get who can see me there, although I guess that makes no difference really.

      • Dawn D

        Sorry, I wanted to comment back earlier, but this post seemed to have disappeared for a while. Apparently, there have been problems between WordPress and Blogger, some people trying to comment on my blog didn’t manage to either. 😦
        You should be able to get emails if you check a box asking that when you comment… But of course, you’d need to comment 😉
        There is also a box that says follow by email on the right hand side… I do hope this is what it does :-/
        I didn’t sign up as a follower to many blogs, but I have yours as a ‘blogs I read’ in my blogger account, so each time I work on a post of mine or check comments or what not on my blog, I can see new posts from a few bloggers I want to follow. Amongst them your blog 🙂
        Hope this helps!

      • pivoine68

        It did disappear…I screwed something up with my IPad. I don’t think it is synchronized right. I hate computers!

        Thank you for clearing that up, I don’t know why but I don’t like Google+, I don’t understand who can see me and that is why I don’t comment there. Thank you also for reading my blog and for always having good judgement about my situation. I appreciate your insight. 🙂


      • etoile31

        Effectivement! C’est un peu le Forum, Google+, La Place publique avec vidéosurveillances, des Patrick Buisson à tous les niveaux…… faut aimer ça quoi!, (pas les Patrick Buisson, Hein!, Mais ce fait d’être en situation permanente de vigilance permanente……)…. Perso j’aime et j’adore, mais je me fais expulser de Google régulièrement…., c’est du brutal, du violent, c’est super sportif et très technique aussi…….Je suis un pur psychopathe pour les modérateurs et les robots de ce bordel….., Il préfèrent laisser la place aux racistes, aux homophobes, aux fachos, aux sexistes, aux abrutis, qu’à l’expression et la pensée libre et indépendante, ces connards d’administrateurs…. Alors je reviens…. et ça repart, expuilsion, retours, etc. Un sport vous dis-je….

      • etoile31

        J’adore certaines tenues de sport, même si je ne suis absolument pas sportif, sur un plan physique….., il convient donc de nuancer à propos de la pratique sportive, là, j’évoquais donc ces combats de Titans (Bah! oui, quand même quoi, Google!!!!), cet entrainement de Guerrier digne de Don Juan de Castanéda, Ho!, Cé pas fait pour les branquignoles! Je m’y colle depuis le plus jeune âge, pardi…… Oui, des trucs du genre à cheminer vers le but les cuisses dans le sable, etc.

      • pivoine68

        Quelque chose me fait croire que tu as regardé beaucoup de patinage dernièrement. Très beaux les justaucorps. Je fais du sport mais je n’ai pas de tenue comme cela!

      • etoile31

        Moi si mais comme je fais beaucoup d’endurance, je l’ai adapté (pas le temps de pisser), alors j’ai un sac à dos avec une sonde……Fini les pauses-pipi…….

      • Etoile Henri

        Non, parcequ’il suffit d’une longueur suffisante de tuyau, un enrouleur à la hanche et je peux vous prêter mon sac……
        Mettons les choses au point tout de suite, je ne suis pas un randonneur……

  6. Theo Black

    Sorry you’re down, but I am depressive enough myself to know that melancholy has its own strange rewards — it’s not all bad.
    So would you be happy if you were married to Brad Pitt and he made love to you for 3 hours every day?

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