Sometimes, on an average kind of day, I throw back my eighth glass of wine and suddenly, in the cloudy blue January light, an idea crosses my never-idle mind and then takes root and blossoms into a revelation. Nebulous, murky concepts, caught in the bottom of a stagnant pond in the backyard of my intellect float right on up to the surface and in the gentle sunlight of winter, things become clear. I am happy when these moments coincide with the possibility to write because otherwise, all of this unexpected clarity just drifts away, getting smaller and smaller on the horizon until it disappears all together. Today, bronchitis has me securely grounded to the couch. I only get up to smoke or fill my empty glass. While staring blankly into the television screen, I started thinking about how we want to own other people, as if we could possess another human being. Someone in constant mutation, in perpetual change, just like we are. I certainly have wanted someone for myself, on many occasions.

My boyfriend, my husband, my lover. Mine, mine, mine! I have often yearned to belong to someone too. As I get older, victim of my experiences and also beneficiary of my history, my story, the whole idea of possessing someone seems more and more ridiculous.The linguistics of relationships continuously condition us to believe that, through love, we can own another human being. When we marry or commit to someone, we say we are giving ourselves to another, when our spouse leaves us we feel alone, left, yet we are in the same place. We are always alone, really. We are blessed with beautiful, fleeting moments that we share with others. The person you love may no longer be with you physically, but the love, you get to keep that! Even when you have been betrayed by the person you thought was yours, you still have the ultimate choice. You can spoil the splendor like one might carelessly soil a gorgeous silk party dress in a crowded bar, or you can remember that no one owns anyone, and all that you have ever had, have now, ever will have is love. Today I feel thankful to have love in my heart and in my life…

I have loads of possessions, none of them breath.


  1. Dawn D

    Wow Dawn! Beautiful writing.
    Of course, my very sensible self wants to say : smoking with bronchitis?! But then, my empathic one hopes you feel better soon. Though if it leads to such posts… there is some good in your illness!

    I agree, love, we get to keep. Forever. And it’s the thing that makes life worth living. We cannot hope to be loved, but we can love readily, and that is what makes us happy in the end.
    Love without judgement, love without expectations, without need for a returned favour. Not the very dark thing some people call unrequited love, which isn’t really love, if they suffer from it. But the warm feeling one gets in their heart, a welcoming feeling, that takes all that happens, all we meet, with an open heart and mind. And manages to take the good and leave the bad from each person and event.

    May we be open to that kind of love more and get to enjoy it every day.
    I’ll raise my glass to that 🙂

    • pivoine68

      Tchin tchin! I’d say the smoking / bronchitis problem is kind of chicken / egg…

      Thanks for appreciating my writing and for understanding what I am trying to say. I don’t always understand myself. 2014 is going to be a good year…I feel positive changes all around me. ( maybe I have finally pulled my head out of my ass!)

      Bisous New Dawn,

  2. Neal A. Gray

    You can spend days, weeks, months, or even years sitting alone in the darkness, over-analyzing a situation from the past, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could have or should have happened. Or you can just leave the pieces on the floor behind you and walk outside into the sunlight to get some fresh air. Practice really seeing whatever it is you’re looking at. You are today where your thoughts and perceptions have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts and perceptions take you. If you truly want to change your life, you must first change your mind. The world around you changes when you change. Sometimes you know the truth, but just need to read it in words spelled in such a way to make it hit you. HUGS

    • pivoine68

      And it does hit me Neal Gray! Really, I’m feeling positive about my own reactions. I am not overanalyzing…I am not even wallowing, although I LOVE to wallow! I figure you have to take what is beautiful and leave the rest behind. We are what we take with us. I think.


      • Dawn D

        Yes, take what is beautiful and leave the rest behind. That’s what life is about 🙂
        Thank you Neal Gray for stating it so powerfully in your own words too.
        I agree that sometimes you know the truth, but it keeps hiding just underneath the surface of your conscient self… and then there is an Aha moment, whether because talking to someone managed to let those thoughts move to your conscious mind, because you managed to utter them in writing as Dawn did in this post, or a friend gives them to you, orally or in writing, as you’ve done here, and the recipient is ready to hear them.
        With all that, Dawn’s conscience can only accept them now! 🙂

      • pivoine68

        Maybe what we must strive towards are the “aha” moments. We really do always know our own truths all along, but it’s tough pulling them out. (of our ass? If I write too much about personal growth I will NEVER make the Top Sex Blogger List!) LOL!

        I yearn to be FAMOUS!!! Ha!

        Je t’embrasse,

  3. Hyacinth

    You know I’ve worked hard to adopt this philosophy. The most we can hope for (and expect) is kindness to accompany the love, but we can’t expect forever or ownership. Those are impossible. I’m happy you’re finding happiness, Sweet Dawn. But knock off the ciggies while your lungs are sick! So French of you! Tsk tsk 🙂 xx Hy

    • pivoine68

      I never really thought I would get to this level. Mainly, I had just resigned myself to the idea that I “hurt.” Which I still do but recently I have decided that hurting is probably my own choice, that I can continue to do so or I can change my outlook.
      There are some tombs that deserve to be spit on, but most of them don’t. I am no longer soiling my own memories. I have been lucky enough to be loved over and over again…that is enough.

      Je t’aime Belle Fleur,

      PS: When I first came to France, you could even smoke at the luggage carousel at the airport. And drink wine with lunch every day of your God-given life. People think I came here for romantic reasons! LOL! 😉

    • pivoine68

      Thank you for coming over to see m

      ( I mainly feel like my thoughts are crazy…it’s always reassuring to know that my craziness is appreciated by others.)


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