Turning the Fucking Page

My dear yet absent blogging friend Kyle once wrote, “It is better to have loved and lost than to never lose at all,” and at the time, I wholeheartedly agreed with him. Now, I’m not even sure to have ever loved before. Maybe my need to please, to be loved is so enormous that I mistake loving someone for just having the chance to be worthy of someone else’s esteem. Maybe I don’t really love anyone at all. Perhaps I just love the idea of someone loving me, wanting me. Quite a slovenly hog of vanity, a whore for any semblance of adoration. I have written on several occasions that I love easily, that I tend to fall in love frequently. Yet the more I think about it, the less I am sure that this is true. In this crappy moment where I can’t seem to find solid ground, when anxiety seems to be my only real soul mate, when I certainly need to turn the fucking page…I cannot decide what ails me most. Nor what to do about it. I am far past adolescence, yet I imagine myself like a chubby preschool student with pig-tails, throwing myself, my heart, my body, around the ankles of the man who did not love me anyway. (which I knew all along, making this whole ordeal completely ridiculous.) He does not even bother to brush me aside. He is strong and can continue walking despite the idea of the weight of me wretchedly hanging on to his pant leg, to his sock. Still, I am so afraid of letting go. Rupture is like death. Accepting the absence of someone who is still breathing (fucking) will be incredibly hard to swallow, and once I have managed to get past the melancholy, I have no idea what I can do to fill the void which was really just an emotional black hole from the very beginning. Here’s to getting back in the saddle.

18 comments

  1. graypoet

    Never give up or lower your standards just to accommodate. It is also stated that it is ‘easier to look back’, but you never have a chance if you don’t make a decision, even if it is a bad one.

  2. Sandee

    I love your intellect and your voice is so true — no pretense. You have the ability to look at yourself honestly at least, which a lot of people can’t do.

    • pivoine68

      Wow. I was considering deleting this comment that I took like a punch in the gut so early in the morning and then I thought that doing so would really be pathetic, so…

      He did nothing disgraceful, he just chose another path. He did so in a clean, concise way, yet, like a circumcision, even when it’s done properly, I have a feeling it must still hurt like hell.

      I am not putting up with anything except the empty space in my heart where he used to be. What I write is what is stirring around in my head, not what I am actually doing. I am not drowning in a murky pool of tears and mascara. I keep on getting up in the morning, putting one foot in front of the other. Like everybody else.

      A majority of what I write here is pathetic, I agree with you completely. I also believe that we are all pathetic in some ways and that revealing this depressing fact helps me at times but maybe also helps others to feel less alone in their struggle to carry on.

      I wanted to write a sex blog but my sex life does not seem to have anything really particular about it so I write about how I feel. Less followers probably but it is cathartic to transcribe my jumbled mess into words and sometimes I even grow from doing so.

      • Master's Slave

        I am sorry. I thought this was fiction. The situation seems so surreal and do apologize. You are not pathetic and the way it comment came out was not meant to be referring to you personally. I would never hit below the waist when someone is already down. Its his behavior towards you that got to me and know you wear your heart on your sleeve and i can’t help but take up for you. My heart goes out. I have been following you along time, since romantic dominant….i didnt know Alice was your blog….I love it,

      • pivoine68

        Thanks for liking my blog…it gets a little messy sometimes but I just keep on trying to figure things out. 🙂

        Apology accepted! (Although I really can be quite pathetic at times and he did not wrong me in any way.)

        Bises,
        Dawn

  3. Thamyris

    For a time I considered responding here with some deep philosophical observation. At last, however, I feel my sentiments are summed up thus: I am here, and enjoy your company.

    Perhaps that is all you need know of my opinion.

  4. Dawn D

    I know what you feel… might even write about this myself soon… just to vent my thoughts too…
    But it is hard to realise, after so many years (I’m talking about me here), that you’re not even sure you have ever loved, except the idea of being loved (which in the end, I’m not sure I was either!).
    I just want to say :”Hear, hear” to the idea of getting back in the saddle. Bises

    • pivoine68

      I like that idea too!
      I’m not too sure that I was ever loved either. One thing is for sure, the next one getting dumped will be my partner, not me. I have never dumped anyone in my whole, long-ass life. Maybe the cruelty of it will become addictive and I will be transformed into something evil…

      NEXT!!! LOL!

      Bisous,
      Dawn

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