Heart Root Canals

Photo d'une Brassaï photo

Photo d’une Brassaï photo

The thing about living for the moment is that at some point, you will pay dearly for that elusive taste of bliss. I am thrilled, elated with myself that I have stepped out of my Cancerian shell and onto the stage of rather illicit activities of the sexual kind but now, I am experiencing something like an emotional root canal. A heart root canal. It’s true that I am sickeningly used to hurting. I had already cornered the market on suffering long before all of this began. It is all my fault of course. I knew what I was getting myself into and I also knew I wasn’t strong enough to live through it. Yet here I am writing about it so I guess I am stronger than I think I am. My ongoing conflict between love and sex, my aching desire to just put each facet in a box, to separate them and take them out when I choose to…well, it does not seem to be working. There are people I love, people I have sex with, people I don’t have sex with and love anyways. I didn’t want a lover, the root of the word being love. I wanted to have really great sex. I did. Somewhere along the line of human relationships, with or without incredible mattress games, titles are in stored. Routines take anchor. Expectations rather accidentally well up like tears and when they are not met, it is time for Heart in the Shredder. That is where I am today.

Except that that was yesterday. Today I’m drawing conclusions like a portrait artist at Montmartre and suddenly, the tragedy I’m living through no longer feels like a tragedy. Far from it.

Note to my lover:

I had not intended to love you, ever. I already had someone to love and loving another person seemed way to heavy a load for me to carry.

Despite my intentions, I did love you, from the first moment you looked into my eyes, your incredible throbbing member already deeply enclenched in my solitude. I am not so sure that we choose who we love or if love just happens, like a beautiful sunrise or a car accident. At any rate, I loved you.

I still do love you. We were both well-aware from the first moment of our different contexts, we both knew what was possible for us and what was not. Although we may never be together again, I will continue to love you, because you have given me so much in such a short time and because I have felt such fulfillment when I was with you. You give me hope, which is so much more than most anyone has ever given me before.

Maybe I have been wasting tons of blog time dwelling on this love/sex issue. Maybe we love, we have sex, we have beautiful moments and we soak our pillowcases with salty tears and there is really no use trying to take control of the situation. Maybe we just are. I love people…it’s not the worst character flaw, really.


  1. Hyacinth

    My sweet Dawn, I am so sorry you’re hurting, but you are right in your final words: there is no use in trying to take control.

    And as you know, I’m a firm believer that avoiding pain isn’t the goal, it’s part of the journey. It’s ok to love and to hurt and to hope. If we never hurt, we’d be dead. Or robots. And I’d rather be a teary, sloppy mess with you than either of those. Great risk/great reward and all that. Love you. xx Hy

    • pivoine68

      Hi Hy! I’m not hurting anymore! For some strange reason I feel at peace with all of this stuff all of the sudden. We are lucky that we love! It does hurt sometimes but I agree with you, I would rather be passionate than dead. Thank you for caring. 🙂

      Je t’aime Ma Belle Hyacinth,

  2. jayne

    No, it’s not a bad character flaw at all. It’s one of the best traits of being alive. It just also hurts like hell at times. We just have to practice getting through the hard parts I guess. love you, Jayne

    • pivoine68

      I feel warm and cozy as if both of you were here with me!

      I am practicing healing quicker…when I cry my eyes get all baggy and I have a frown line. 😉 At that rate, I won’t be loved or fucked and I’ll have nothing left to write about.

      Love you too Jayne! Come over for a glass of wine.

      • jayne

        Do you ever think about the whole process of this “thinking and growing”? There’s always the deep part that almost drowns you but then there’s the shore where we finally get to just lay there in the sun for a minute efore starting ALL OVER Again!! HEY, We’re masochists!! Fucken fun-loving masochists!!

    • pivoine68

      My non-hurting was maybe a little…ahead of myself, but I think you are right. There are loads of flaws more ugly than this one.

      Bisous Mala,

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