Although we tend to proclaim, overflowing with tearful indignation, “I was the last to know!”,  I don’t buy it. Looking back on it all, I think that every time that bitter wind began to cause pimply goosebumps on the back of my neck, fine hairs rising to attention, I knew. Every time I was pushed slowly but surely off the shelf of, “My Favorite Toys,” falling gently into a gnarled mess of computer wires and prehistoric dust,  I knew. Every time I was no longer the prodigal crayon drawing occupying the best place on the refrigerator, as I was sailing slowly towards the trash bin, I knew. Every time I was not the only likely candidate for the front seat, not the treasured possession that could only be touched with clean hands, not the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning…I knew. I would be lying to myself if I made believe now that I didn’t see it coming, a freight train roaring in the distance.

I suppose that there is a sort of defense mechanism that makes us selectively blind in situations that we do not feel strong enough to stomach, but I think that in our blindness, we do know. With some relationships, you can already taste the end before the first kiss. With other situations, you can create such fabulous lies, you can write such a tremendous story of how and why in order to somehow avoid looking the obvious right in the face. Your own fairy tale gives you a head-start, leaving the impending doom a ways behind you. Not very far of course. Close enough. Like fucking Christmas. Tax time. Monday morning.

I guess that is all I have to say about that for now. I don’t have any solutions. I see no way to brace myself for what will be, nor what has already happened, but I will not be a crying victim who doesn’t know how the hell everything is so very fucking temporary, because it just is. Life is temporary.


  1. Sandee

    Take care my Dawn. Once we acknowledge the truth by being brutally honest about our own motivations, realizing that we already knew intuitively the nature of a situation, we’re not as likely to feel victimized for a long period of time. Don’t know if that made sense, but this is what came to me after reading your reflection. You mention the temporary nature of things. The temporary nature of everything for me makes life a better place. I think we set ourselves up for hideous accidents when we construct fortresses with the mortar of delusion, ego, lies and misconceptions.

  2. jayne

    There is such clarity in this. Like a razor sharp mountain peak in the Alps. It’s actually quite beautiful Dawn. Situation and reality may not feel that but this post is quite beautiful. xoxo, Jayne

      • MaríMar

        It’s good to let it all out. Sometimes we need to and this is a great venue and people give out some great advice. I did that two posts ago (title sucker punch). 🙂

  3. Theo Black

    I think your insistence on keeping your eyes open is a brave thing, although it isn’t likely to make you happier. However….it would be a shame to mistake fear or insecurity for gospel truth, so that you end up missing the good things that are there for you. And they’re definitely there, Dawn–be at least as willing to see those as to see the disappointments. xxoo

    • pivoine68

      It’s a weird thing…I don’t really want to keep my eyes open at all. I drink a lot, which usually softens the edges of things but sometimes, I get this strange, illuminated feeling and then all of these words just come out of me.

      I know there are beautiful things for me and for all of us. I agree that we are the ones that block the stunning view sometimes. Not always though!


  4. Neal A. Gray

    wow i would only ask why it is so important to us to be the favored fridge art in the first place – what it is i think “we know” as you said “I knew” is that we will not be loved the way we need to be loved – by another person that is – and i think that is conditioning – we didn’t get what we needed when we needed it in the early days – alas who does…. yes conscious life is temporary – particle based reality is what we yearn for (even though we already know we will not “get” it) is not temporary however – it has been present in every living being since day one – an impulse – instinct – urge – to “connect” which is exactly what we do in our unconscious state – we are connected to every thing that ever was or will be – there is no “time and space” here so it of course can not be temporal in nature so we seek and find stand ins for same in our lives – and we make up names for them – my names are god truth beauty love – all one “thing” that is unthingable…. that is what i seek to share with another – I have done so with friends – with my child – with strangers – it’s possible every minute actually

    But i still walk out in front of the bus and seek it in one special other – I hold out hope that somewhere – someone – can play with me – we can agree on the one rule – that for the moments in time we share this play – we are totally present – i think that’s the best it can get – but once physical / sexual experience becomes an expression of this play – i have found with all my previous partners – power becomes an issue – it seems to me – the men i have known can’t play unless someone wins – naturally i must feel this way otherwise i would not attract same

    there is no bracing oneself – and personally i refuse to be a victim – so what i am working on is loving the temporary

    • pivoine68

      Wow! I think the comments I’ve received on this post have been more interesting by far than the post itself. You made me realize something blatantly “obvious” that I wrote…all of my examples of not being the one who counts seem to be straight from nursery school. When I wrote those words I hadn’t thought about that. I was the first child/grandchild by several years. Looks like I never quite got over the hurdle of siblings and cousins.

      I was thinking for a while that I could love my husband although we don’t have sex and then have sex with someone else and then everything would be fine. I (temporarily) love my husband and my lover and I guess really, that’s ok. I wish that I could just feel and express my feeling without being so devastated by other people. Everyone probably really is doing the best they can, just like me.

      Thank you for your very insightful comment. Now I have a question mark cloud floating on top of my head. You’ve got me thinkin’. (could be dangerous!)

      Huge Bisous,

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