Random Ankle-Biters at the Beach

Random Ankle-Biters at the Beach

I have never had any desire to have children. Now, as I am surpassing the age in which that would even be possible, it is a relief to me that I feel no sudden urge to reproduce.  As a child, I was terribly uncomfortable with other children. I loved to be in the company of adults, I loved to listen to their stories, to watch their interactions. I was eager to be an adult myself. Looking back on this period I don’t know if I felt this way because I was unusually tall or if I was more mature than other children. I tend to think now that having a child is such an enormous responsibility that there is no way I could live up to being a good mother. Sick animals don’t reproduce and I am not well. I never have been.

The odd thing about all of this is that children adore me. They fall in love with me, forgetting their own parents in a quest to get my attention. I love kids…but I need time to myself. I am incredibly selfish when it comes to fulfilling my needs. Children need so much. They terrify me. I am so afraid that in one moment of inattention, one afternoon when I just am not in the mood, when I am not available emotionally, that my own shortcomings could hurt a child. Thinking of my own childhood is still painful to me. I cannot accept the power bestowed through maternity. It is a relief to have at least one thing in my life that I’m 100% sure of.


  1. jayne

    You’re lucky to know that. Not everyone HAS to have children and those of us that do – will mess them up with our shortcomings…and the upside is they get the good sides too. It is what it is. Hey, what a trip it is realizing THAT fact in a live human being! Sometimes I can realize those things and you would think I was on hallucinogenics with the bizarre mental acrobatics that does to my psyche – and I wonder what the hell – HOW could I have EVER thought to raise a human being??? That’s when I go slam a couple shots and send the kids outside saying Don’t come back til it’s dark! Thats what I did as a kid so I have to pass on traditions, right?Martha Stewart had a whole episode on keeping traditions! just kidding You’re a loving person – that’s what matters.

    • pivoine68

      You are a loving person too! If we were neighbors, I could borrow your kids adorableness and then when they starting irritating both of us, we could drink shots and keep traditions going strong! 🙂

      Baren Bisous, (that was a stupid joke…I don’t think I CAN’T have children, I just don’t want to.)


      • jayne

        If we were neighbors, you’d know all the mental concerns and it would crystallize your decision…and then you’d go home after our evening cocktails and when the door clicked and locked, you’s say “THANK GOD I chose not to have offspring” and smile as you went to sleep. They are a huge responsibility and constant concern and reminder of many things difficult and awesome.

  2. Sandee

    I am the same as you in this regard. I didn’t think my DNA was so great where I needed to procreate. I also thought of how selfish and egotistical a lot of people are in thinking that the world deserves their messed up spawn — hahaha! I thought of it two whole seconds and said hell no! Why would I do that to a kid. I love children too much to put them in that position. And back in the day I was a raging alcoholic — oh my! Like you I’m also glad that I don’t regret it now that I’m at the border of menopause — I wish the heck it would come already — why’m I still menstruating at friggin’ 50! I love your reflection. Thanks Dawn!

    • pivoine68

      HA! We are the Menopause Border Patrol!

      I agree totally about loving kids too much to have any…other women are like, “Don’t you WANT children?” with this fraudulent concerned look that also says, “Are you a fucking alien???” and I say to myself, “Dawn, you have made one excellent decision in your Under-Achievers Life!” Plus I still am a raging alcoholic and have no real means of supporting myself so children would be in a bad way with me! Hell, I probably couldn’t even buy them an I-Phone!

      Thanks for coming over Sandée!


  3. Fatal

    Sometimes, I feel as though… before we were each born… we were in the same dark womb… not that of our respective mothers, but that of the universe. Growing, living, breathing, becoming next to one another. And when we were torn apart, we were still somehow destined to meet, to be, to exist, in some way… together. We share such similar experiences and thoughts, it frightens me sometimes.

    I was told at much too young an age that I was unable to have children. I was asked when I was 18 if I wanted to freeze my eggs because I had so few remaining and even if I couldn’t conceive, I could still pass on my DNA. Then and now too, I don’t think I could possibly… and it’s not about finding the right person, it’s because I’m not the right person. Like you, I was a precocious child… comfortable around adults, considering them my peers over my actual peers. I love and adore the children in my life, people want to give their children to me. I am a godmother several times over, an aunt, and beloved by tiny humans… and in turn, I love them. But the thought of having on of my own terrifies me. I worry that the faultiness of my parents has passed on to me… and to think that I could damage a child in the ways that my parents have damaged me disgusts me. I think I am incapable of having children because somewhere… someone… something… knew… that I would ruin them, as I have been ruined.

    They’re so delicate and I worry that I am a bull in a china shop.

    But I love you… delicately and with all the fragility I can muster.


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