Words and emotions race madly around my mind, bumper-cars smashing into one another at full-speed. I am floundering in my own pond of contradictions and double standards, in the way I think things should be and the way they probably really are. In the way I think I should be and the person I am. In the confinement of a sexless marriage, I found myself slowly withering up. Sexuality is not something so easily left aside, and despite all the ways I tried to anesthetize myself, that need was always screaming louder, reviving me. This blog was born as a sort of release-valve for that need. In my research, which hasn’t been very academic, I have come across such a rich canvas of human sexualities. So many different forms and codes and ethics! I find it all fascinating, but really, I don’t know where I fit in. Like it or not, we are all products of our upbringings, our pasts, our cultures. This is where my feelings and my ideas diverge.

I have always been skeptical about the relationship between sex and love. Loving someone can make a sexual encounter better but not loving someone does not always make such encounters worse…

I want to be able to have uniquely sexual relationships without loving. I guess I tend to love.


  1. Nick

    “So many different forms and codes and ethics!”
    I think the important thing to take away from your researches, and things like the layout filledandfooled recently posted, is to see that you are not alone, there are others that have similar tastes, similar hangups, similar confusions. They will also have things that you may not want to try or own. And, maybe most importantly, that it is ok to be you and that your tastes, needs and kinks are just as valid and allowable as anybody else’s.

    Enjoy it. There is nobody else than can do it for you.

    • pivoine68

      That’s what I wanted to do…find out what suits me best, but I have this depressing feeling that I’m not that far from who I already thought I was. Did that make any sense at all?

      (I owe you an email. I’m a dick sometimes.)

      Thanks for caring either way!


      • Nick

        It is good that you have a fair appreciation of who you are. But let that be a basis to work from, not an end-of-the-line position. Get out there and experiment with some of the things that are not you but might like to be:-)


        PS you are not a dick. You simply owe me an email!

  2. erickeys

    “I have always been skeptical about the relationship between sex and love. Loving someone can make a sexual encounter better but not loving someone does not always make such encounters worse…”

    I agree completely. Why else would so many of my fantasies involve people who I could never really love? At least, not in the romantic, “My heart is forever yours!” way.

    • pivoine68

      See, this is what I think, but it seems like if I’m having a sexual relationship with someone for more than, say, a week, I get mixed up about what I’m doing.

      I’m having a relationship now that is sort of programmed to end in the near-future and I feel somewhat heartbroken already. Which is completely ridiculous! SHIT! After all, I’m not in junior high school anymore! 🙂


  3. Cruel Intentions

    I couldn’t agree more on the belief that we are a product of our environment.

    What is it that makes us think the love and sex are the same conversation . Love is such an abstract concept defined by the cultural rules and definitions of others. Show me love, define it’s parts what makes it true or real.
    Ask a thousand people and you will get a thousand answers. It’s not a noun it’s a verb describing a shared familiarity and mutual appreciation . It’s used by advertising, imagined into powerfully moving stories for wistfully thinking movie goers.
    Sex is almost as elusive in it’s descriptions. Mix too such explosive subjects and boom is what you unusually get.
    Stop applying concepts to your reality. Love and sex as you see fit fuck everyone else.

    Huge sloppy kisses sweet dawn.

  4. Neal A. Gray

    Forget all those romantic cliches of the leading man proclaiming his undying love for the woman who completes him. Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore.

    • pivoine68

      You are quite right.

      AM, you missed your post! It was for you, Mister! Go back one. 🙂 (not that it was all that exciting, mais bon.)


  5. sexuallifeofawife

    You are who you are and feeling all these emotions means you are alive! The fact that you are thinking all these thoughts – means that you are some way to finding out what you really want – or what you really need. Glad you are exploring and no you are not in High School – but so what if you are gushing and emotional – enjoy being alive!
    Can I add to all the sloppy kisses?

    • pivoine68

      You most certainly can! One can never have too many sloppy kisses…plus I miss you!


      PS: Here’s to getting what we want and need! 🙂

  6. TheSeedSaidSo

    You’re no fool…you know everything…it’s just that it’s extremely difficult to reverse such ingrained lifelong ideas. But you have a lover which is a good start, and when that ends you must get another…I would say love them all, but you’ve got to be able to release them; mere practice! I don’t think you need necessarily lose the love.

    Answers On A Postcard Bisous

  7. jayne

    Boy, I’m glad I caught this post because as Fatal said, some do love harder and fall faster. I think that is us my friend. BUT, what I had to say, is that through my own struggling about my ending relationship with my husband, I had to scour through myself to be ok with a final decision. I needed to know that I wouldn’t look back and say “I could’ve tried X”. In that self examining process, the very stereotypes I grew up with and fought against are traits within my self. I have found that at the core of who I am, I am a caretaker and I am one to love. I will love the fuck out of you! haha I realize that THAT is a strength. I also feel that I have no idea of how I’ll work out the rest of the process but to love, is an asset my friend. All this examination reveals the whole picture one damn pixel at a time. I WANT IT FASTER! xoxo, Jayne P.S. – All that I said could have been said with “Don’t beat yourself up about it – it’s a great trait and it starts first with loving yourself and being patient with yourself.

    • pivoine68

      God Bless! It will never cease to amaze me how at the end of the day, you/me/everyone really does always have everything we need on our paths when we need it the most…like your comment for example. I am out of my waters, far from my comfort zone and without a connection internet that fucking works and somehow, there you are! I fucking love the hell out of you Jayne! You are absolutely right. It’s about fucking time we stop trying to be people we are not. Love is beautiful. (it feels good to say “fuck” to someone who appreciates the full meaning(s) of the word. I’m not usually as offensive! :))

      Amazed Bisous,

      • jayne

        shiiiiit, you’re just practicing a little free speech or sweet talkin” as I call it. We have to fight it enough to see what its made of, take what we want and then realize, we were as we are supposed to – the twist is WHO we choose to love, no? That’s the joke /lesson. Hey who needs BDSM when we’re married?! jk

  8. Theo Black

    Missed this before; I was traveling. I do hope you get what you want, Dawn. You deserve passion and love, and if they’re together that’s amazing, but they don’t always happen together. xxoo

    • pivoine68

      Where did you go my sweet Théo?

      I’ve been traveling as well. I’ve decided that I can love without waiting to be loved in return and that my own passion will be more than enough to get me where I want to be. (I have nothing against having it all….;) )

      Big French Kiss,

      • Theo Black

        Went to NYC to visit family. Was fun. I think you’ve got great times coming up…..

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