Big Green Eyes

Americans generally find jealousy to be a sort of tangible evidence of how much less worthy you believe you are in comparison to the object of your jealousy. Or maybe that’s just my opinion. I like living in a foreign land because as I am far removed from my native context, I can see things about myself I probably wouldn’t be able to see if I was immersed in my own backdrop. I can see things about myself and about fellow Americans that I cannot see when I am the victim of the ambient patriotism and various psychological trends one is prey to while living in the Mother Land.

When I was growing up, in my family and in my circle of friends, any public display of jealousy was scorned. We felt it but we were convinced that expressing it would be a pathetic disclosure of our own insecurity and self-doubt. With French men, all of their heavy looks, eager smiles and guilty murmuring directed towards other women do not faze me. On the surface. I was surprised when my mastery at hiding my moments of nearly insane jealousy did not necessarily impress them and more or less gave them the impression that I did not really care for them or love them.

I am at a point of acceptance of my husband’s infidelity, (past, present, future, presque-parfait, whatever) and I am now free to live my own sexual life apart. My lover is married, just like I am. Jealousy now seems even more ridiculous to me now than ever. I am well aware that fucking someone and loving someone do not always coincide, in the same way that not fucking someone does not necessarily mean that you do not love that person. This is where my ideas get incredibly scrambled. Mixed up in how I really do feel and how I think I should feel.

As the French say, “You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs!”

31 comments

  1. Nick

    I’m so pleased to hear that your difficult relationship with Mr Pivoine is hurting you less. Even better is that you have somebody else in your life to ease that hurt. You deserve somewhere to work out your passions, other than on these pages.
    ((hugs))

    • pivoine68

      Thank you my friend. I’m hoping that I am grown up enough to actually live this…in real life. 🙂

      Live and learn I guess!

      Hugs to you et un bisous,
      Dawn

      • Nick

        You are grown up enough. Now go and enjoy the maturity of your mind and your skills. Always remember that those ex-loves of your lover are just that, ex-loves. Not now-loves. That is you.

        Yes, the realist in both of us recognises that you may at some point become an ex-love. But enjoy the love as it is now, not as it may become or could have been. Now.

        You still have feelings for your husband, but he has not been the best for you. Heavens, maybe you have not been the best for him? No, I cannot imagine why! But either way, you are both moving forward. You still feel for him, it is inevitable you will green-eye his new interests. Remember, you are pleased that he is finding some sparse pleasure in these passing fancies. He too for you, I hope. So do try to be nice to him!

      • pivoine68

        It’s really hard to embrace the moment. I tend to ruin things for myself because I am so sad for the ending, yuno?

        My husband isn’t suffering too much as far as I can tell. Maybe he feels relieved that I don’t wake up every morning sobbing anymore.
        I suspect you are right that all of this marriage business is a two-way street. I have certainly disappointed him from time to time, he isn’t to blame completely for our problems. He’s my best friend, and I still feed him and iron sometimes. (don’t tell anyone!)

        Bisous,
        Dawn

  2. cAt

    Are you saying you still have feelings of jealousy, as ridiculous as that might be, in your present context? Or are you saying you are “so totally over” the concept of jealousy? I am intrigued by this post. I cannot rid myself of jealousy and wish that I somehow could. More please!

    • pivoine68

      I think I am becoming even more jealous somehow. For much of my married life, I was sort of oblivious. I’m quite the center of my own universe…I guess I missed most moments when I should have been jealous. Now my husband and I are in agreement on an open marriage, and I’m jealous of every girl (they are girls) that he looks at, former lovers of my new lover…

      The list goes on and on!

      Bisous cAt,
      Dawn

      • cAt

        That is somehow comforting and reassuring…because, well, me too. I’m not so different then, after all. Sometimes I think the worst thing we can do is try to deny what we feel, to suppress it and pretend it does not exist. We lose our self-respect somewhere when we do that. Anyway, I agree with you. And even more on this statement “This is where my ideas get incredibly scrambled. Mixed up in how I really do feel and how I think I should feel.” It sometimes all just gets so fucking complicated and confusing.

      • pivoine68

        I sometimes think that expressing my real emotions makes me lose my own self-respect! I’m such a sappy human being at times!:)

        Scrambled is right…I’d like to be more of a modern-day woman, have a fuck buddy with no strings attached, but somehow I always get a bit attached.

        SHIT!

        Bises,
        Dawn

  3. erickeys

    Traditional marriage seems an impossibility to me. Maybe some people are wired for it, but it seems that infidelity, jealousy, etc. are kind of built into this unworkable institution. I’m glad you are finding some peace in your relationships.

    • pivoine68

      I agree about traditional marriage. Really I never intended to get married in the first place because I didn’t really get why people do it. Promising the impossible. Like stopping time. Or a fast-moving train.

      Life is changing in ways I would have never imagined even 6 months ago. I’m happy about that but I’m not sure about peaceful. 😉

      Bisous Mr. Keys,
      Dawn

  4. Hyacinth

    I get jealous when my relationship sucks. I never get jealous when it’s roaring along like gangbusters. When TN was with Pisspants for those weeks I wasn’t jealous, but I’m jealous NOW after all these months because of the way he treated her, the things he did for her. But I’m still not jealous OF her; I’m jealous of how he TREATED her. Weird… maybe that’s what it is? Because I don’t feel like it’s a matter of my self confidence (as you said, it really is an American attribution that if you are jealous, you have low self-esteem!), that’s fine. I just want what she’s having. So there are different kinds of jealousy, sweet Dawn. Are you feeling all of them or just one?

    Also, I am beyond thrilled that you have taken a lover. Is he the fellow you told me about?? xx Hy

    • pivoine68

      Well, I do have low self-esteem…but it’s not really that I feel inferior to other women. Older. Which you can’t do JACK about. With my spouse, I don’t think he has anyone for the moment and I feel sort of sad for him. (for about 5 minutes, at which point I kick myself in my own fat ass.)
      With my lover, I know it is a situation that cannot last and I feel sort of jealous of everyone he has ever loved. I doubt that he will love me. I am enjoying trying to convince him! 🙂

      Ain’t life grand?

      Je t’embrasse My Hy,
      Dawn

      PS: Oui! It’s him!

  5. Fatal

    I become maddeningly jealous from time to time. Sometimes it reaches certifiable levels (when Sir mentions another woman, even), but more often than not it is when other women show interest in him and he blossoms beneath the flirtation. That sort of jealousy usually rises with a kind of arousal that I’m not yet sure of. I find some jealousy to be healthy and natural, and even, in some cases, beautiful and arousing. The female crazy bitch archetype really is more of an American institution, I am also finding–though generally that archetype comes with good reason (cheating on you with your sister kind of thing). Either way, I bemoan the fact that America just doesn’t produce men the way Europe does–good thing I bagged myself a European man, eh? Look at me being all elitist!

    I’m so very glad to hear you are doing so well, my love. We really must catch up soon.

    xoxo

    • pivoine68

      Bonjour toi!
      You are right, jealousy is often warranted. Maybe that is where mine is spewing up from. The twisted part of all of this is that I do not expect fidelity from my husband (not anymore anyway) nor from my lover. I just want to be sheltered from anything that might hurt my feelings. I hate my husband stopping in his tracks when a sexy 16 year old walks by. In my presence, yuno? I feel totally protective of my lover’s wife. I’d rather stick an ice-pick in my eye than ever hurt her in any way, and I don’t even know her (Yeah, I’m a psycho.)

      Is it my imagination or am I having verb-tense issues? I have reread my post and it seems really f-ing awkward to me.
      Too much wine, every day.

      We certainly must catch up! I have so much to tell you!

      Grosses bises,
      Dawn

  6. TheSeedSaidSo

    I always thought it was, “You can’t make an omelet without fertilising some eggs!”

    And you can’t really learn any more about how you truly feel until you’re put in a situation that tests how you think you feel…I think…

    Always confused bisous

  7. Accidental Masturbator

    Although I was pretty sure you were now getting to enjoy some cock other than your husband’s, it pleases me greatly to read your words My lover. I know I am well behind on my reading, but have you indiscreetly shared any explicit details?

  8. Neal A. Gray

    My wife and I had an open marriage for years which led me to having sex with her sister who I loved and adored. Now they have both passed away which leaves me empty in my heart at moments….Can I love again?? I think not…

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