The idea of anonymity has always seemed a bit strange to me. Unlikely. I believe that we are all born anonymous and it is our common goal to find some way to stand out, to make a difference, to be Somebody with a capital “S.” In my blogging experience, which I have loved up until now and still love really, the whole anonymity aspect didn’t really make that much sense to me. Being in the shadows has never really been where I aim to be. Honestly, I would like my name to be a household word, I would love to do a World Book Signing Tour, I want to be invited to talk shows, wear very short skirts and very tiny panties..to swagger through crowded bars and cause a hush followed by the lull of whispering. I have been quite torn between this huge desire for recognition, fame, fortune….and the cozy, hidden blog nest where I can lay my eggs in peace. A place where I am both known and unknown. Safe.
Recently I have had some not-so gentle reminders that what I share here might really need to be kept secret. I may have been mistaken in thinking that since I don’t have a job in the government or anything, (I don’t have a job at all for that matter.) since I have no intention of running for public office, I imagined that I could put the identity issue aside. Since we cannot be simultaneously recognized and in hiding, we are obliged to choose. When what we write is revealed to others outside of our blog-world, taken out of context, we unintentionally hurt people around us. I really do not want to hurt anyone.
I have had problems related to Facebook, which is why I quit writing here for a while. Initially I was blogging with my real Facebook profile. I didn’t realize at first what it was I needed to write about, (sex or the lack thereof) nor how my parents or other family members might feel reading about it. I created a Facebook page…but I have never been really concerned with hiding my true identity. I am like that. I was an abused child, I am an alcoholic, I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, I know about psychiatric hospitals and treatment centers…and if you take twenty seconds to ask me about any of it, regardless of who you are, I will be more than happy to fill you in on my whole story. I am not a discreet person. In France where I live, where people really do value their privacy far more than my compatriots, my lack of discretion has been a problem at times, but then again somehow I usually get away with it.
For my whole life, friends and loved ones have tried to convince me to be less revealing, to protect myself emotionally. Although I am an open book of feelings, dreams, problems, I am well aware at a certain level that this aspect of my personality is potentially dangerous. Yet I must say that I gain far more than I lose because of this. I meet fascinating people everywhere. I have truly beautiful experiences that are direct results of my openness. My frankness causes others to open up more easily as well. The fact that I don’t feel the need to hide my flaws makes other people feel less flawed somehow. To me, what we feel ashamed of is shameful, what we cannot say is what must be said, what we hide is what is ugly. Once we have taken all of our dark secrets out of that place where we harbor them, they are no longer dark. Or secret. I would like to think that if we can own up to who we are, we will no longer have to hide. (in a perfect world, obviously!)
I’m rambling….just wanted to say, I’m back!