Provoking Disaster or What Mental Illness Might Look Like on Paper

There comes a time in your life when you realize with acute clarity that all of your actions and movements are nothing more than artifice in a grand scam aimed at provoking your own personal disaster. Why do you do such things? Harming your own body, being a literary whore with a sex-blog, broadcasting your sorrow on the fucking internet for the whole twisted, evil world to dip their grungy fingers into… you couldn’t be more of an embarrassment if you stood stark-naked on your rooftop with a peacock feather jammed up your ass whimpering to passers-by about how you have passed by your hopes and dreams, that you have missed out on the passion you had wished for with all your heart. Squandered your talent, wasted your intelligence, spoke for those unable to listen, danced for those unable to lead…laid down for those unable to please you and not really giving a damn one way or the other.

Why you do these things knowing all the while that sooner or later your own lack of courage, your own inability to take action will most certainly blow up in your pretty face and not only are you doing nothing to protect yourself from all of this imminent danger, oh heavens no, you are not raising your hands in front of your eyes to spare yourself unnecessary damage in the blast, not at all. You just pour yourself your sixteenth glass of wine of the day, maybe not even a glass…a MUG for Christ’s Sake (we have a bottomless cup deal going on here!) and you contemplate your body growing rounder everyday with loathing and you silently wonder if maybe starting smoking again might not help. (help what you are not so sure.) So you just drink more and more and have all sorts of interactions with men who are so far away from you physically that they may as well be on MARS and you know that even though none of this is really very gratifying (none of this provocation of disaster) you also know that you are completely powerless and that even your most warm and kind good intentions won’t be making it too far down the treacherous path you have chosen,  more or less inadvertently but then again no, you have always known that there would be no happy ending for you, that you would always be your own worst enemy. That the fear like black squid-ink in the pit of your stomach that you feel because of the disaster that you provoke sans cesse, ridiculous hamster in a wheel…that fear is there for the long-haul, for the duration. That you would have to destroy all of your physical comfort and probably end up living on a park bench feeding greasy pigeons with patches of feathers missing…

Sarah Moon Photo

Sarah Moon Photo

The world is filled with danger. Razor blades and drinking water in third-world countries, shards of glass and betrayal, kite-surfing, deep-sea diving, gas stoves, the light at the end of the tunnel, infidelity, e-coli…but I believe that there is nothing more dangerous on this planet than boredom. Wreaking havoc through routines, skillfully crafted, chrometered down to the second. The false enthusiasm you detect in your own voice, offering food and comfort for the millionth time.

Maybe black Doc Marten boots with  steal-toe inserts can kick you into a bloody death but they don’t even come close to slippers for shattering your heart into billions of pieces of muck. Fuck.

42 comments

  1. Tin Woman

    I stopped reading what is my own auto-biography, but the answer is simple, ma belle … because in your heart there is a kernel of hope that is silently chanting … it will change. You’ve just not yet figured out how to listen to the sound of silence and hear.

    Much love to you.

  2. H.H.

    Hey there Dawn,

    First, I’d love to see you standing on the rooftop naked with the feathers up your ass! Second, don’t be so hard on yourself. Leave the hard-ons to us!

  3. diirrty

    What is that wine you’re drinking?
    If it makes you write with this honesty and passion, grab another bottle! Except this time, write about fucking or masturbation or something like that. It would be amazing! Oh, and I agree with HH, I want to see you with that feather in your ass 😉

  4. lovesexandmarriage

    Dawn, dear, I want to hug you and smack you @ the same time (and not the good kind of smack either). This is not mental illness; if it were, you’d think this was okay. The wine will help, but only temporarily. Believe me, I know. This is a hurtle love. Jump over it (but perhaps wait til the fog clears). xoxo

  5. sexuallifeofawife

    Oh Dawn, my heart goes out to you. You sound really very depressed – but of course with much clarity and eloquence you have expressed such feelings….
    I have no answers for you – I wish I did… I only know that sometimes what seemed so bad – after a time does not appear so awful – I hope this could be the case for you.

    Much Love
    Sophiaxxx

      • Sandee

        I apologize for my lame response — I was just so taken by the rawness of your sentiment and couldn’t think of anything to say. It was artfully communicated in such a way that I could feel the pulse of what you were saying. I didn’t think that anything I said would lessen the intensity of what you were feeling — maybe just my own self-absorbtion. I didn’t hear a calling out in your self-reflection. It seemed to be something purged as in a painting of cathartic expression that you could examine in a personal way. This life is a trip. I hope you find peace in a glittering moment. Take care Dawn.

      • pivoine68

        Sandee you never need to apologize for any comment you take the time to give me Silly! Life really is a trip…it’s better sharing it with you! Thanks my friend.

        Bisous #2, (buy one, get one free!)
        Dawn

  6. truth003

    OH Dawn. I am sorry you are feeling this way today. We have all been there! We have all felt like we are lost, on the wrong path, doing something stupid, crazy and dangerous. We have all wondered what the hell we were trying to accomplish. It’s ok. It’s ok to wonder and be scared, and by mad at yourself, and pissed off. It’s ok. Just don’t stay mad. Cut yourself some slack, finish that glass of wine, pick yourself up, and keep at it. This is life, dear woman. You are not failing… you are doing your best to figure it all out. Just like everyone else.

  7. Fatal

    Sang de mon cœur, comment Je souffre pour ton douleur. Je t’aime profondément, ma gloire du matin. J’aimerais bien pouvoir tout arranger pour toi. J’aimerais bien pouvoir tout guérir de ton mal. Qu’est-ce que t’as besoin? Que puis-je tu donner? Nous devrions parler bientôt. Je vais être à Londres en Mars, peut-être je pourrais prendre un train de toi voir. Je ne peux pas supporter l’idée de tu seul et triste.

    Ne pas abandonner l’espoir, ma chérie. Je t’aime.
    Tous les baisers que que je peux donner.

    Fatal

    • pivoine68

      Je t’aime aussi et j’ai honte aujourd’hui de me relire…je suis ridicule vraiment. Ceci dit c’est fascinant comment le cerveau crache tout ces sentiments comme bile….nous ne sommes pas comme les autres. Merci d’être mon amie. J’ai une chance énorme de t’avoir dans ma vie. J’espère que nous pouvons nous rencontrer quand tu viens. Merci beaucoup Ma Belle. Tu est magnifique.

      Je t’embrasse très fort,
      Dawn

  8. Theo Black

    I know I’ve been there, to that place where I see clearly that my life has been a cruel joke and a waste. At times like that, it’s like I’m possessed by, or I become, the Theo that has nothing but contempt for me and anything good I’ve ever done or believed in. It’s actually gratifying to give up all faith and hope. But it doesn’t last. Eventually the pessimistic toad gets tired and moves on, and there are actually people I look forward to talking with, things I look forward to doing. I will say it happenned more when I used to drink more. (big hug)

    • pivoine68

      My Sweetest Théo, I thank you for your big hug. You are absolutley right, I feel less toad-like already. I do feel like a jerk though. In French they say, “nombrille du monde” belly-button of the world, like “I am the center of the universe,” which is why my banner header whatever that’s called is a photo of my own bell-button…I should try forgetting about myself every now and then. (you are right about drinking too, alcohol seems to magnify everything about me. especially my ass which is the size of a small country or a big state.)

      I hug and kiss you,
      Dawn

  9. AR

    I think we all feel that way, sometimes. I try not to think deep thoughts when drinking wine, I always end up a bit desperate, angry, and/or self-destructive. Damn mood swings.

    But really- how bored are you? How about hobbies, new friends, something active- even when it’s the farthest thing from my mind I can’t help but feel better after gym/hike/sauna.

    • pivoine68

      I think that you are absolutely right. I hurt my back and I have been skipping out on the gym…not moving is bad for your ass and even worse for your brain. (as you can see!) I’m lightening up now though. Day 3-No Wine and I’m singing (when I’m not gritting my teeth) “I can see clearly now…the rain is gone…. You are lucky to be too far away to hear me! 🙂

      Bisous and thank you,
      Dawn

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