On Doing Shitty Things and Getting Caught

After yet another week of foolish social networking behavior, the worst has really produced itself. I have inadvertently hurt an innocent bystander. My neediness has bled out of the lines so much so that someone else has been dirtied by it. I never intended for my broken heart to come anywhere near hers. I am well aware that any effort to apologize on my part would be wasted. My apologies are worth less than a dog turd she scrapes off of her shoe. I am so incredibly sorry though. At this point I guess I really  have to ask myself, “Why are you doing this?” I am not so sure. There are several possible explanations but really none of them are entirely adequate. They make no difference at this point to anyone but me. At times I think that my actions are so far removed from who I really am because I am sorely lacking the courage to end several chapters of my life. Maybe I need to provoke disaster, force the hand of my opponent. Maybe I need to be caught because I long to be punished.

How I Rationalize My Own Shitty Comportment  To Myself

I need to feel extremely wanted, not only by men. By everyone. I need to feel a man’s desire for me across a crowded room. I need to know that men find me attractive, sexy, that they really want to fuck me. In my everyday life, I feel none of these things. When I was younger, I felt this a lot of the time. At that point, I was more worried that no man would ever really love me. Love me for who I am, my feelings, my intellect. That kind of thing. I didn’t even realize that men would not always want me in strong ways. I thought men were always wanting women all the time. I thought that sex, good sex, mediocre sex, whatever, was just a given.

Life has given me a cruel lesson in love/desire and the lack thereof. Live and learn I guess. Loving someone does not mean you will have incredible sex with that person forever. Being loved by someone does not mean that he will rise to your good occasion a few years from now. Your own desire to have sex with men other than your husband/boyfriend/main squeeze is not necessarily a reflection on the poor quality of your love or the flimsy nature of your commitment to that person. Reciprocally, his desires are not a revelation into how much he does not love you. Love and sex are intricately bound and complete strangers at the same time.

I’ll bet that if Love and Sex met each other at a party, they wouldn’t even recognize each other.


    • pivoine68

      My Noodle!
      I would be happy to fetch you a little sweater.

      I am certain that if we (all) met at a party, we would recognize each other immediately. I would love that! Weren’t we planning that at some point?


  1. TheOthers1

    This was gritty (is that the appropriate word?). Curiosity wants me to ask what as occurred, but it’s not my business. Lots of sadness and regret here that’s for sure

  2. Fatal

    We may diverge at our seasonal cycles, but here I see myself again. Je t’adore, mon amour. Be well, won’t you? I’d like to hug you.


    • pivoine68

      Moi aussi je t’adore! Do you like Regina Spektor? I am listening to her as we (nearly) speak and I think you like her too. It is so reassuring to have you in my life. Thank you.


      PS: How was the party? Were Love or Sex there? Fuckers!

      • Fatal

        I love Regina, her voice… it does something to me. It is reassuring to have you here as well. I am very thankful. The party was… interesting. Love and Sex and a little Betrayal were hanging around, yes. Hah.

        Xs and Os galore.

    • pivoine68

      Thanks Scot!
      When I read this again now, it all seems so bitter and cynical.
      I’m really starting to doubt the existence of unicorns and Santa Clause nowadays.

      Bisous D/, (was that allowed? I’m always afraid of overstepping my own boundaries. I do it so often.)

  3. Theo Black

    I see you’re rethinking the whole life, and blaming yourself for everything that doesn’t make you happy. I have weeks like that, and sometimes I can think hard enough to make sense out of all of it. Sometimes not. You won’t always feel this way, though. Big hugs and oral sex under the table for you, honey.

    • pivoine68

      Mais non Mon Théo Préféré!

      I have really been quite an asshole. It’s weird for me too…I’m way more comfortable with my comfy victim slipper.

      Ever since this happened, I have all these images of myself, the worst one being a little car driving along, minding her own business when suddenly she is violently sideswiped and sent reeling out of control. I feel like I’ve just ran down a pedestrian and have still not come to a complete stop. Like involuntary manslaughter.

      There is also a little brown bear (funny I always think of myself small. I’m 6 feet tall.) a little bear who gets caught in a trap and is seriously injured but not dead. She gnaws off her own paw and tries to continue her life but she is now so dangerous to other bears that are just there doing nothing to harm her.

      When were you planning on coming for dinner? 🙂

      Je t’embrasse,

      • Theo Black

        I have no doubt we’re talking about a feast beyond comparison with any other meal.
        You know it’s good to recognize you did bad, but all you can really is do is make any amends possible and determine not to do that again.
        Also, say 3 Our Fathers, 3 Hail Marys and 3 Glory Bes.

  4. Hyacinth

    Jesus, Dawn. You punch me from across the pond. You are brilliant and flawed and wonderful and cruel and smart and sad, just like the rest of us. No one thing we ever do defines us, please don’t drive that car any further past the smashed pedestrian. Stop, get out, go back, do what you really want to do. It’s not too late.

    Your words tear at me. I wish so badly to be near you to share it all. xx Hy

  5. eroticexploration

    I’m so sorry to hear your guilt – and I want to tell you to put it aside, because guilt is NOT a useful emotion; but emotions take their own paths. A lot of what you say rings true for me though, and I wish it didn’t… *hugs*

    • pivoine68

      I agree…guilt is not at all useful. I’m trying to cast this little chapter of my life aside. Everyone does shitty things sometimes. I’m not too sure I would even feel bad about it if I hadn’t gotten busted. (that is shitty in itself…FUCK! 🙂 )


  6. Accidental Masturbator

    I think I have some blog catching up to do. (Yet again.)
    I’m sure there is hope for you of you, you and those around you, can be objective and rational. [Thus endeth my platitude.]
    Hang in there.

  7. Pingback: Taking a Lover « pivoine68

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