After yet another week of foolish social networking behavior, the worst has really produced itself. I have inadvertently hurt an innocent bystander. My neediness has bled out of the lines so much so that someone else has been dirtied by it. I never intended for my broken heart to come anywhere near hers. I am well aware that any effort to apologize on my part would be wasted. My apologies are worth less than a dog turd she scrapes off of her shoe. I am so incredibly sorry though. At this point I guess I really have to ask myself, “Why are you doing this?” I am not so sure. There are several possible explanations but really none of them are entirely adequate. They make no difference at this point to anyone but me. At times I think that my actions are so far removed from who I really am because I am sorely lacking the courage to end several chapters of my life. Maybe I need to provoke disaster, force the hand of my opponent. Maybe I need to be caught because I long to be punished.
How I Rationalize My Own Shitty Comportment To Myself
I need to feel extremely wanted, not only by men. By everyone. I need to feel a man’s desire for me across a crowded room. I need to know that men find me attractive, sexy, that they really want to fuck me. In my everyday life, I feel none of these things. When I was younger, I felt this a lot of the time. At that point, I was more worried that no man would ever really love me. Love me for who I am, my feelings, my intellect. That kind of thing. I didn’t even realize that men would not always want me in strong ways. I thought men were always wanting women all the time. I thought that sex, good sex, mediocre sex, whatever, was just a given.
Life has given me a cruel lesson in love/desire and the lack thereof. Live and learn I guess. Loving someone does not mean you will have incredible sex with that person forever. Being loved by someone does not mean that he will rise to your good occasion a few years from now. Your own desire to have sex with men other than your husband/boyfriend/main squeeze is not necessarily a reflection on the poor quality of your love or the flimsy nature of your commitment to that person. Reciprocally, his desires are not a revelation into how much he does not love you. Love and sex are intricately bound and complete strangers at the same time.
I’ll bet that if Love and Sex met each other at a party, they wouldn’t even recognize each other.