Classifieds II

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Photo Expo Brassaï

Fairly attractive married women of a certain age seeks moderation in all domains. 

She had contacted specialists, psychologists, psychiatrists…she had been put away, like a bag of junk discarded in a dusty corner of the garage. She had also, on two occasions, committed herself, knowing that her state could only worsen. She drank. A lot. She sobered up. Her body knew nothing about moderation. She was frighteningly thin, she gained 20 pounds, making her horrified by her own gelatinous image in the mirror. Dressing was a Sisyphean task for her as her size was in constant transformation. She worked out like crazy, smoked always, quit smoking. Looked for work, gave up on looking, wanted so much more than she was capable of. Mainly she just wanted to stop hating herself.

Her sexuality was tainted by her poor body-image, by her excessive neediness, by her constant desire to please everyone around her. She was insatiable and the sexless life she had inadvertently chosen was like a punishment she administered to herself day after day. Her highs were too high, her lows like a bottomless cesspool of loathing. An idiotic dog chasing it’s own tail, the more she wanted to embrace the beauty of life, the more she wanted to die because she was so completely unable to do so.

22 comments

  1. Fatal

    Every word is visceral. The last few make me weep and feel so much… so much. I wish you didn’t suffer so. I love you, in every way that I can.

    xoxo
    Fatal

    • pivoine68

      No weeping Sweetness! I love you too. Blogging is really an unexpected pleasure…it brings so many beautiful people into my life. Who knows if we would have found each other otherwise.

      Bisous Mademoiselle,
      Dawn

    • pivoine68

      I regretted posting this and the one before it…I don’t always feel like this, just sometimes. Thank you Jane. You are a wonderful friend.

      Bisous,
      Dawn

  2. Theo Black

    I would say this is tragic, except that even she knows the prison is in her own mind, so she must be staying in it for now for a reason. When she’s ready to open the door, she will. (hugs, kisses on the forehead)

  3. jayne ayres

    I do like the way you wove everything together like a long beautiful braid on a troubled head. IF these are your feelings, your intellect is capable of the answers too.

    ” Although she was quite intelligent, she would have preferred stupidity. She was certain that ignorance was bliss. Her intellect, subtle handicap, merely allowed her to see with startling clairvoyance her own short-comings.” loved these lines – I find them to be incredibly true for me…but I also see what I need to do…and forge on or relax for a bit and then forge on. It’s worth it if I do.

    • pivoine68

      How lucky for us that we can forge on together. (stupid people probably are happier though!)

      Have a beautiful weekend!

      Big bisous,
      Dawn

  4. creativenoodling

    I don’t know how much of this tragically beautiful post is based on your own feelings, but if even half of it paints how you feel inside I want to ship you a new mirror… one that lets you see yourself as this private little world of your readers see you. You would be amazed at the beauty… inside and out.

  5. pivoine68

    My Noodle,

    Yer makin’me cry! I shouldn’t have posted this…I’m considering putting a blood/alcohol monitor on my computer to avoid any going overboard. Sometimes I go out of the lines!
    Thank you for caring.

    Bisous,
    Dawn

    • Hyacinth

      You were raw and real and we all saw it/see it whenever you bless us with your words and comments. I was just thinking about what I’d do if you disappeared. I’d be crushed. I want to lift you up and hug and kiss you and drink cold wine with you in the French countryside and remind you that there are people out there that see you for who you really are: a beautiful soul. xx Hy

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