Hatin’ To Awakin’ To The Achin’

                                                               Photo Sarah Moon

“Your cold mornings are filled with the heartache about the fact that although we are not at ease in this world, it is all we have, that it is ours but that it is so full of strife, so that all we can call our own is strife, but even that is better than nothing at all, isn’t it?…And as the ax bites into the wood, be comforted in the fact that the ache in your heart and the confusion in your soul means that you are still alive, still human, and still open to the beauty of the world, even though you have done nothing to deserve it. And when you resent the ache in your heart, remember: You will be dead and buried soon enough.”

                                                                                            Paul Harding, Tinkers

This morning I resented the ache. I hated that pervading sadness permeating onto my morning bliss. I long to wake up smiling and not hurting. I long to wake up eager to face the new day and not cowering under cover wishing I might die unexpectedly in a foolish accident between me and an oncoming train. I long to awaken filled with self-confidence and sassiness, I long to feel beautiful and know the carnal bliss we all write about. I really long to be desired like something completely worthy of being desired, to be loved in a way that is unequal to all other ways. I long to feel success that I owe to no one, to be recognized for essential things. I long to wake up in your arms, surrounded by your passion, drowning in your emotions, engulfed in your heat. I long to forget myself, at least for a moment.

PS: If this looks squished to you, believe me, it looks squished to me as well. I’m about to scream.


  1. Kyle

    awww dawn – i long for you to find what you are looking for – i really believe you will – big hugs and kisses sunshine

    • pivoine68

      I edited about 5,000 times and it was still squished. So I gave up and hit publish. I was pleased to get my photo and the text on at the same time….

      Bisous H.H.,

  2. TheOthers1

    Oh, Dawn. I’ve always been told that the best path to better emotions is thinking good thoughts. Sending good, healthy, positive thoughts your way.

  3. Ink. [Anette]

    You know Dawn, it seems so unfair, being named Dawn, that you have to wake up to this feeling. You should wake up to the feeling of grand and glorious inner dynamite sunshine. Well, actually, we should all wake up to that feeling. Every day. But we don’t. Big hugs to you my dear ♥

    • pivoine68

      If you say so: aaaahhhhhhhh-crescendo-HHHHHHHHH-aaaaaaaaaaiiiii! Thanks for letting me scream in your ear. You are probably used to it, naughty you!


  4. Theo Black

    The wise guys say that you’re unhappy because you don’t realize that you already have everything you want and need. Sorry, you don’t deserve platitudes. You may need to scream right now. Big hugs, Dawn.

    • pivoine68

      Thanks for not being patronizing! 🙂 From my last few posts I’ve been gathering new followers who seem more like gurus or cult leaders or people just trying to sell you something that might make you happy. I think I’ll go back to writing about masturbation! It’s less depressing, at the end of the day. LOL (and it really can make you happy…for a while.)


      • Theo Black

        If you know about 3 guitar chords, you’ve got a couple of Country song titles that would practically write themselves. “Hatin’ to Awaken to the Achin'” on the A side, and on the B side: “Masturbatin’ Blues”.

      • pivoine68

        Do you think it’s too late to learn? To play the guitar I mean. Theo, I really want to be famous for something someday. Otherwise….what’s the use?

  5. Gillian Colbert

    Dawn … I can only tell you what I’m doing … I’m waking up every morning and embracing the ache. It hurts, my cells feel like they are about to explode and I’m doing my motherfucking best to make friends with that feeling. I can’t tell you if I’m being successful, I can only tell you that I am being more productive and I’m letting that be enough for now.

    Mille Bises! Again and Again.

    Your Evil Erotic Twin and Soul Sister … GC

    • pivoine68

      Oh Gillian!
      You make me get all misty! I will try to take your advice…I’m not too sure if I am capable because I HATE that feeling. (I go to great lengths to avoid feeling it… but when I first wake up, I just have to wait for it to pass.)

      I’m trying to think of a new way to tell you how much I appreciate having you in my life, a way that would really make you feel how….incredibly fortunate I am to have found you. Or been found by you? Either way, I love you.

      Thank you My Sweetest Gillian.

      Je t’embrasse SI fort,

      • Gillian Colbert

        I love you to, sweetheart. And sometimes the classic ways are the best.

        je t’aime,

  6. Hyacinth

    Can you feel my arms wrapped around you? My cheek pressed against yours? I would take your hand and pull you into the beautiful, chilly morning and we would walk and talk and fill our lungs with sweet, French air and I would say ridiculous things and your laughter would swell around us. It’s possible. Love to you, xx Hy

  7. Bluesander

    So much compression, ache. I hope my arms can reach you dear Dawn, though I’m sure you’re more than aware that you’re not alone. ❤

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