This post is in response to the incredibly talented Kyle Mew‘s posts “Top Ten Reasons to Have an Internet Girlfriend/Boyfriend”.
Falling into a sickened state remotely resembling love on the computer certainly does have some advantages, but in my humble opinion the dark sides shadow the brightness. I don’t believe that I was in any way predestined to such a sterile manner of loving, consider myself more of a hands-on type, but virtual love has become a sort of new bad habit for me over the last few years. (as if I didn’t have enough bad habits before!) It was during my husbands “affaire with a younger women” (life really is pathetic at times) and the horrid period of jealousy-induced rummaging through everything in my home, especially the computer, that the seed was silently planted. I’m planning on telling that heart-wrenching story some day but for now, I just want to point out some of the drawbacks to PC romance.
The first and most obvious drawback is without a doubt the incredible amount of time you can waste in front of this fucking screen in the pursuit of….what? Flattery? Dick-pictures? Affirmation that you have still got it goin’on, that you are worthy? [I could concentrate my own self-worth and stick it on the back of a postage stamp, leaving you enough room for your spit, I’m especially keen on being flattered and if your dick has something REALLY special about it…you know where to find me.] If this newly found time-drain procures any real, honest sexual gratification, by all means, continue. But if you begin to realize that your computer time might actually just be keeping you home a lot where you are not likely to be flattered or see any real genitalia, it might be time to change some things.
IT Mating Games can lead to a wide array of health problems. It ruins your tan, flattens your ass, causes weight-gain, insomnia and dark circles under your eyes. If you have addiction issues, this kind of activity is not going to do you any good. Although you can’t catch an STD or generate any future offspring, (phew) it’s terrible for your vision, your back and especially your wrist. And you thought Carpel Tunnel Syndrome was only about touching your mouse! Silly you! Silly mouse!
At some point, you might visibly cringe when you see an “I-Reputation” commercial introducing you to a lovely, healthy family walking through a park when suddenly, they are splattered with tar…black ooze dripping down the little toddler’s face. An ominous voice informs you that you should really get insurance to protect you and your loved ones from internet-related damage. It then occurs to you as you pass into a clammy, cold sweat that just like Hansel and Gretel, you have left quite a remarkable fucking trail behind you. How you could really explain it, justify it is impossible. You can’t even explain it to yourself. Chances are you have more to gain and less to lose in an authentic, thrusting, pounding, sultry, sordid affaire. (at least you would be getting laid.)
The most painful part of all this is that when it’s all over, you still end up having to live together. At least in real relationships, when things go awry, you can always pack your suitcase, join the French Foreign Legion, whatever. You can throw dishes at your partner, scream maniacally…go for the throat. It’s really quite cathartic. On the other hand, when your inbox is suddenly empty (your computer is still warm, your heart racing, you perceive a faint smoldering odor….) In this imaginary relationship that never happened in real life, when he stops writing you, your fragile heart will pass ever so slowly into the blender. If your correspondent is still on your list, and there is really no good reason he wouldn’t be seeing how you never really knew him to begin with, you can waste even more time evaluating every women he has fucked, is fucking, wants to fuck, will ever fuck, would fuck given the opportunity.
Thanks to “Social Networks”, you’ll be able to keep on following the life and love of your writer/dick-photo guy. That way you will know if he has found that special person. With any luck at all, the new girl will be smarter, prettier…just such an all around better person than you. Younger. Can’t fight younger. Maybe she writes or practices some form of art. Maybe she is a lot like you.
You will know that he has found some kind of fulfillment where as you are just sitting there in front of your computer, exactly where you were when all of this craziness began. Frustrated, dissatisfied, filled with the relentless kind of self-hatred only you can perpetuate. The only change being that from now on, you can fear seeing photos of yourself in obscene posture on a lighter or a flyer or a pop-up window. On the side of a bus or the wall of the subway. Great…
If I had the time, I would write a proper conclusion. I need to check my emails/Facebook/telephone.