Alcoholism is always funnier when it has nothing to do with you. Chronic illnesses are a drag. The idea that today you are an alcoholic and in ten years time (assuming you will be around to see ten years down the road) you will still be just as much an alcoholic…something spoiled and childish in me refuses the whole idea. It  isn’t as though I have never addressed the issue. I was in treatment the first time when I was 17. Which wasn’t really a bad experience at all. It was like summer camp with many forbidden steamy romances going on, great breakfasts, beautiful scenery….lots of hiking. I don’t know who decided that in hiking you will find sobriety but in a way I think they were right. Man versus The Mountain has a sobering effect on a person. Whether or not you can make your newly retrieved clear mind and vivid emotions last later or even want to is another story. I kind of like how a stiff drink takes the edge off of your existence. I love it really.

Alcoholics come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Some are slurring all the time, bloated like beached whales. Some are haggard with big veiny noses and they have to beg for money on street corners. Some are illiterate and others have PhD’s. Some pass out after one pint of beer and others can drink two liters of wine and still wing a dinner party for ten. With praise and honors from her guests. Although she will have no recollection of it. So long as everyone goes home happy…  That form of Drunk can go undetected by others for long periods of time. I heard a story once in an AA meeting that an airline pilot flew from LA to China or some far-away country in a complete blackout. Functional alcoholics are way more fun to have around. They never throw-up or make scenes in restaurants. They are quite civilized and witty. If they work out enough, they don’t even have to have an unpleasant gut.

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